The Good Girl
by 5t4c3y
Summary: I hadn't been in love the first time I had sex. Mom had always said that when the time came for me that I would be. But I wasn't. She had always told me that it would be with my husband. My soulmate. Not with some guy I had just met. Not in the passenger seat of a beat-up Camaro. I wish she had told me that story instead of the fairy-tale. (NALU) NOT SLOW BURN (Semi Autobiography)
1. Chapter One

**A/N: Hi everyone *insert wave here*. So, this is my very first Fairy Tail story for this site. The fear of writing again after such a long, emotional hiatus is real, and even then, this is actually a repost of an old story that was never finished.**

 **This story, since I began writing it two years ago, has become a sort of semi-autobiography. It'll be emotional, it'll be difficult, it'll be extremely personal, but it'll probably be the best therapy I'll get, and if it helps another young person in the process, then it'll all be worth it.**

 **I hope you enjoy my story as well as Lucy's, and I pray that this will be my turning point. Thank you** **:o)**

 **Disclaimer: Alas, I own nothing . . .**

 **Rating: M**

 **Pairing: Natsu/Lucy**

 **. . . . . .**

I hadn't been in love the first time I had sex.

Mom had always said that when the time came for me that I would be.

But I wasn't.

She had always told me that it would be with my husband. My _soulmate_. Not with some guy I had just met. Not in the passenger seat of a beat-up Camaro. I wish she had told me that story instead of the fairy-tale.

' _Good girls don't sleep around'_ had been her mantra.

I was still trying to convince myself that that's not what happened.

 **The Good Girl**

 **Chapter One**

I couldn't quite pinpoint the exact moment when my father's ramblings became a distant mumble. In my opinion, that's all they seemed to be these days. Not that my opinion was often asked for in the first place.

Once again, he seemed to be fixated on the boys down at the market place. The ones that gave our pretty little town a 'bad name'. You'd have thought they had committed murder at the rate he was going on; the gravy boat letting out a loud clang as he set it back on the table.

Glancing over at Ashley, I could tell that she felt just as drained with his bumbling's as I did. I tried my hardest to bite back my smirk as she rolled her eyes; our disinterest – not that it came as a shock – going completely unnoticed by Daddy Dearest. The warning glance from Mavis, however, was enough to let us know that she was more than aware.

I had come to learn that avoidance of eye contact was the best solution when it came to my older cousin's glare.

Head bowed, I fixed my gaze to my plate, Ashley handing me the basket of bread as my father's rants finally died down.

"Lucy, would you like to lead us in grace." It came as more of a command than a request.

Dad always saw leading the family in prayer as a reward. I saw it as another minute being trapped at the dinner table.

He prided himself, my Father did. Having two 'Godly' daughters seemed to be such a _blessing_ according to him. I'm sure it had nothing to do with the praise he got from the Elders in the church on his spectacular parenting skills. But saying that, the praise could have been the blessing he had been talking about.

Instead of questioning him, however, I just closed my eyes.

"Thank you Lord for the food that we are about to receive," I recited like I had so many times, "bless it to our bodies, and bless the hands that made and prepared it. Amen."

A mumbled chorus of thanks rang out before the table came to life, Dad and Mavis immediately caught up in conversation. He had been so lonely lately. Mavis being home was probably the distraction he needed. I turned to Ashley, a ghost of smile tugging at my lips, but before I could even open my mouth I was stopped short by her phone ringing. Mavis' glare returned full force at that, but not that Ashley noticed. She was up and away into the next room before Dad had even clicked as to what was going on.

"See that damn phone," Mavis huffed. "I would kill to see her function without it for a day."

Dad hummed in agreement, his gaze never lifting from his meal. "Probably that Dragion boy again. They're continuously calling back and forth." He finally looked up, his eyes boring into me like a silent warning. "Young girls should be focusing on their futures, not boys."

The venom in his words was enough to make me flinch, an unnecessary guilt radiating from me.

Dad had always been good at that.

I glanced down at my plate, pushing the discomfort aside long enough to force a smile. "You could always just take the power cord away," I smiled, looking towards Mavis, "watch the fear in her eyes grow as the battery slowly dies."

As stern as Mavis was, and as much as she liked to think herself as prim and proper, she couldn't stop her snort of laughter from escaping. Even Dad left out a breathy chuckle, his spluttered cough into his wine a feeble attempt at masking it.

Mavis smiled. "And here I thought you were the good twin."

I forced that fake smile once again, the smile I had mastered long ago as a quietness fell amongst us.

The sound of cutlery scraping against the plates hung in the air as Ashley sauntered back in a few minutes later, a beaming grin plastered on. No doubt the Dragion boy had been the cause yet again. It was quite sickening to be honest, but from what Ashley was saying, he seemed to be a nice enough guy, and that said a lot because she hated everyone.

"Dinner time is family time, Ashley." Dad ground out.

I watched as Ashley visibly cringed, a mumbled apology spilling forth as she reached for her fork.

We sat in silence for what felt like a lifetime after that; Dad and Mavis occasionally muttering something to the other as Ashley tried – and failed – to test her skills in subtlety by texting under the table. It wasn't until we sat down to a family meal did I realize that my dad wasn't the only one who was feeling a little lonely these days.

"Lucy," Mavis spoke, a smile breaking out as if she had suddenly remembered something important, "your dance teacher Ms . . . Aquarius, is it?" I nodded. "Well, she called today when your father was at the office," I could feel my stomach begin to churn, "she told me that you had been shortlisted to perform for the talent scouts from The Edolas School of The Arts." I could only stare at her. "Why didn't you tell us you were doing so well?"

"I don't know." I mumbled with a shrug. "Just forgot I guess."

"Well just make sure you get the practise in," my dad boomed, placing his cutlery on his empty plate, "there's a lot of excellent dancers out there. You need to show them that you're the best of the best."

And that was exactly why I didn't want either of them finding out.

"I will, sir." I nodded, hoping that would end it. And it seemed to.

"Good girl."  
 **. . . . . .**

" _You better be coming out tonight, you bitch._ " Cana barked down the phone. " _No way can you miss the party of the fucking century._ "

"Cana, you hold the utmost of class, d'you know that?" I giggled, phone wedged firmly between my ear and shoulder as I finished coating my toenails in _Innocence_ polish. "But I can't. My dad would go nuts."

Her sigh couldn't have been more exaggerated if she had tried.

" _It's a college party, Luce, not a fucking orgy,_ " was exactly what she thought of my excuse, " _just tell your dad that you're coming out with Levy and me."_

If only it were that simple.

I had only ever been to one party that hadn't consisted of someone blowing candles out. I was fourteen and had been dragged out by the ear when my dad had discovered me playing spin the bottle. The damn thing hadn't even landed on me once and I was still grounded until the end of the year.

" _Fuck, Luce!_ " She so eloquently carried on. " _You need to stop being such a good girl and live a little!_ "

Cana – believe it or not – was one of my best friends, and to put it frankly, one of the biggest bitches for miles; but where most would take great offence at the label bestowed upon her, for some odd reason, she seemed to wear it with pride. Dad, right from the get go, had said that she was nothing but trouble and that 'good girls' like me shouldn't be hanging out with the likes of her. My mom, however, had loved her like she was her own.

Dad hadn't won that argument.

Screwing the cap back onto the bottle nail polish, I heaved out a sigh, throwing the bottle to the bottom of the bed. I wanted to go to the party. No matter how much I tried to deny it, I really did, but I knew that if I were to ask Dad then the word 'no' would be out his mouth before I had even finished, and as intrigued as I was, I wondered if wasting precious breath was even worth it in the end.

" _Luce . . ._ " Cana called out over my thoughts, " _You're eighteen. You've graduated. You're not a little girl anymore. You don't have to be the good little girl that Daddy expects you to be._ "

"I'm . . . not." Was my feeble attempt at defence.

An Oscar winning performance it was not.

" _Then come out!_ " She sang. " _Drink a little. Smoke a little. Fuck a stranger or two._ " I couldn't help but laugh. As articulate as Cana was, the word 'fuck' was in her top five favourite. " _Ha, laughter equals agreement!_ " She cried. " _Now get the fuck up and get dressed, I'll pick you up in half an hour. What your daddy doesn't know won't hurt him._ "

Arguing was obviously futile.

"Fine!" I caved, staring down at my newly painted toenails. "I can only hope you're right."

 **. . . . . .**

My mom had always told me that it was easy to be wise in hindsight, but if you had already been wise to start with and still went ahead with your actions, then you had been a fool right from the beginning.

In my case, I don't quite think that fool was a strong enough word.

Creeping downstairs in my best dress, I had known that sneaking off to the party had been the fool's way. When Mavis had stopped me in the hallway, the chanting to my inner self to head back up the stairs had rung out loud and clear. But still, I had stuttered out the pathetic excuse of heading out to the diner with Cana and Levy before shuffling out the front door.

She had watched me the whole time, a small smile tugging at her lips as she had gently waved me off. I could tell that she knew I had lied. I could see it in her eyes. Disappointment with a hint of disbelief. But then again, the guilt that hung over me as I climbed into Cana's Bug had been enough to blind me from reality. Levy and Cana had managed to keep the journey alive however; the excitement they felt for the party masking my discomfort.

We eventually found ourselves on the outskirts of Magnolia just before the sun went down, the old estate building – not unlike my father's – lit up like Christmas tree. The minute we stepped out the car, my mother's words echoing in my ear, I wondered if faking a stomach ache was enough to head home.

My friends had called bull before I could even mutter a goodbye.

So that's how I found myself where I was. Standing in the corner of the grand living room – Cana and Levy nowhere in sight – the party in full swing.

I had no idea how long I had been standing there, my gaze fixed firmly out the window just waiting for Dad to pull up in his car and drag me home. With the thumping music and the screaming frat boys, I couldn't even begin to comprehend how people found these things entertaining. But I guess most people didn't have a father like mine.

Scanning the room, I caught a brief glimpse of Levy talking to someone. Cana was still nowhere to be found, but at the sound of her laughter carrying over the noise, I knew she couldn't have been too far away.

Turning back to the window, waiting seemed to be the only thing I'd be doing.

"Just run already." A voice rang out beside me, a hint of a chuckle lacing every word. "No one's going to stop you."

The boy – man – who the voice belonged to looked to be just as enthralled with his surroundings as I did. Bottle of bud in hand, he never looked at me, his eyes cast out into the sea of people as they gyrated to the music.

"Excuse me?" Was my response.

"You've been staring out the window since you got here," he elaborated, taking a swing from his beer, "so I figured you were either waiting on someone or looking for a quick escape." Finally looking down at me, he smirked. "I don't see you standing here with anyone else, so figured it must be the latter."

Crossing my arms, I gave a soft shrug, a strange feeling of exposure washing over me.

"I guess parties aren't really my thing." I answered. "I shouldn't even be here, really."

He looked at me, but he didn't say anything. He just stood there, drinking his beer, his attention being drawn in every direction.

He didn't look like a college boy. Not your typical one, anyway. He seemed to be a bit older than most of the guys there, but then again, I had never been very good at pegging peoples ages. His pink hair stood in all directions; an organized mess with the odd tresses falling into his onyx eyes. At least, I was going to say they were onyx. Black was too boring, and this guy was as far from boring as you could get. The small faint scars scattering over his cheeks and neck gave his young face a lived-in look, but even with them, I couldn't say he was unattractive.

Quite the opposite really.

I couldn't help thinking that he must have been sweltering standing there, a leather jacket and scarf not the typical summer attire for Magnolia, but looking at him there wasn't a drop of sweat to be seen.

"Aren't you a little old to be at a college party?" I stupidly asked, breaking the silence.

He glanced down at me, a smirk tugging at the corner of his lips. "Aren't you a little nosey?" Was his reply.

I couldn't tell if he was joking or not.

"Sorry." I muttered, my eyes roaming back out the window.

Silence falling over us again, I got the impression that he wasn't much of a talker.

"What's your name?" I asked, the quietness quickly becoming more awkward than the party itself. "Mine's Lucy."

For the briefest of moments, I wondered if he would answer me at all, but he did, and I relaxed a little.

"Natsu," was the reply he gave as he finished the remainder of his drink, "and I'm only here because it's my friend's girlfriend's house."

He smiled at me then, the fears I had earlier of annoying him quickly vanishing.

"Is your friend even here?" I asked, hoping to have found some common ground.

He nodded, a slight roll of his eyes hinting towards annoyance. "Haven't seen him in a while though."

Looking round the room, I finally caught sight of Cana; a smile stretched across her face as she led a burly looking man out the room behind her. I guess I was going to stuck with Natsu a little longer than expected. "Same here."

Shaking his empty bottle, Natsu sighed. "You want a beer?" He called, making his way to the table of refreshments.

"Uh . . ." came my less than articulate reply as I quickly followed behind, "I'm only eighteen."

"So?" He chuckled, two cups in hand.

"Well . . . it's just . . . if my dad finds out," I couldn't have sounded prissier if I had put my mind to it, "but sure . . . why not?"

As I took hold of the cup I could feel my heart begin to race, another quick glance out the window sending me into a panic. Any minute now and he'd come stampeding through that door. I knew it.

"Y'know, you don't have to drink it if you don't want it." Natsu smirked, downing half his cup.

I couldn't understand why he still appeared sober.

Relieved, but feeling my embarrassment make itself obvious, I set the cup down. My small smile of apology seeming to go unnoticed by him.

"Do you always do what your told?" He asked, turning to face me fully for the first time.

Crossing my arms tightly over my chest, I glared at him. "No."

Even I didn't believe me, and going by his laughter, neither did he.

"Calm down, Luce," he smiled, "was just wondering. It's just, you seem kind of like . . ." don't say it, "the good girl."

And there it was.

"You don't even know me, _Natsu_." I spat, straightening my back to square him up.

"Just saying what I see." He shrugged, bringing the red cup to his lips.

The annoyance that bubbled up within me felt so foreign at first, his arrogant smirk sending a wave of determination washing over me. I'd show him. I'd show everybody.

Snatching the cup from his hand, I gulped down the little that was left, the burning liquid sliding down my throat threatening to bring my dinner back up. Face screwed up, I threw the cup to the floor; Natsu biting his thumbnail in amusement.

"You got a car?" I asked him.

Tongue in cheek, he stuffed his hands in his pockets, his smile slipping into intrigue. "Yeah, I've got a car."

Breathing slightly erratic, I fought back the urge to pick at my nails, a nervous habit I was so famous for. Staring up at him, I could see the wonder in his eyes as he waited for me to give him the word.

"Luce?" He smirked.

". . . Take me some place quiet."

 **. . . . . .**

We ended up by the lake. The one hidden deep in the woods about forty minutes from Magnolia, and it was _very_ quiet. Sitting in the passenger seat of the old Camaro, I couldn't even bring myself to look at him. I just sat there, staring out onto the water, the only light coming from the moon up above.

The sound of his breathing was the only thing I could hear. That, and the sound of my heart thundering away in my chest; every beat a threat that it would burst out from its confinements.

I could only pray that he couldn't hear it too.

"Luce," Natsu whispered, cutting in through the silence, "you know you don't have to prove anything to me. I'll take you home right now if you want."

But I wouldn't go home. Not yet anyway.

"I'm not trying to prove anything to you." I said just as quietly, my breath hitching in the back of my throat.

I was proving something to myself.

Finding the courage to look at him, I felt the goose pimples rise on my arms, but he didn't seem to notice. He waited for what felt like a lifetime before slowly sliding closer to me, his arm – without hesitation – slinking round my shoulders to pull me in. I could see now that onyx was definitely the right colour choice.

I hadn't realized that I had been holding my breath until he leaned in, his lips gently ghosting over my jaw as he brought his other arm round my waist. Closing my eyes, I tried to relax into him. I tried to empty my mind of all worries; but with each wet kiss he planted on me, I soon found relaxation to be impossible.

Natsu was my first kiss, and I was shocked at myself for enjoying so much considering what I was about to do.

"Last chance." He whispered against my lips, his fingers tracing the hem of my dress as he pulled back to look at me.

But I couldn't stop him. I couldn't find the words to stop him. Instead I just nodded him to continue.

I looked out the window as I felt a tug at my underwear; the sound of his belt clinking in the emptiness making it all so real. As he moved on top of me, his knees parting my own so he could lie in between, I finally looked back up at him.

"I-I'm a virgin." I confessed. "Just . . . thought that you should know."

"I'll be careful." He promised.

I could only nod. As silly as it was, it was all I could do.

Once again, I found I couldn't look at him. My feet sat propped up on the dash board, so staring at my toes seemed to be the best distraction as he moved in closer; the freshly painted _Innocence_ polish slightly chipped from my shoes.

I couldn't even bring myself to look at them in the end, each tow curling in on itself at the irony.

As Natsu's lips found their way to my neck, I turned my gaze back out the window, my attention quickly being caught by my reflection in the wing mirror.

I never knew that a day would come where I wouldn't recognize the girl who stared back at me, but as Natsu pushed forward, and the pain shot through me, she became a stranger.

 **. . . . . .**

 **A/N: Well guys, what did you think? Please leave a little review to let me know, and if you have any questions, feel free to ask away. Thanks, my lovelies xoxox**


	2. Chapter Two

**A/N: Thank you to everyone who gave this story a try. Thank you everyone who liked/favourited/reviewed the story and myself as an author. You're all amazing.**

 **. . . . . .**

 **Chapter Two**

I could feel Aquarius' eyes boring into me from the other side of the room. I didn't have to turn around to know that's what she was doing. Staring at me with that penetrative gaze of hers; her arms crossed tightly over her chest as she silently critiqued my every move.

"Focus, Lucy! You expect Edolas to be impressed with that!?" Obviously, I had spoken too soon. "Keep your leg straight. Get your head in the game, Lucy!"

If my leg was any straighter I could shove it up her ass and have my toes dancing their way out her nose.

"And pirouette," she called out, "nice, Evergreen. Good."

But then again, arguing back wouldn't impress Edolas too much either.

I tried to keep in time with the music; a challenging task for anyone who was subjected to the musical talents of eighty-six-year-old, Tone Deaf Deena. Every week she'd bang on the old piano sitting in the corner, a cloud of dust lifting into the air before sending her into a fit of dry heaves. I often wondered why Aquarius hadn't replaced her with a CD player before now. She was probably hoping she'd up and die on us before she'd ever have to.

"And finish in arabesque." We were a sea of arms and legs as we finally came to a stop, the piano carrying on momentarily. "Well done, ladies. Much better. Just make sure you put the practise in before next lesson."

With a single nod of the head we were dismissed, and once again, I could breathe.

"Lucy, could you stay behind please?"

Forget I said anything.

I couldn't help but be ashamed at the weakness of my nod, Aquarius' gaze fixed on me as I gathered my things together. As the girls shouted their goodbyes and promises of texts through the week – texts I knew I'd never read – I pushed my way to the front.

"Remember to keep that leg straight now, Heartfilia," Evergreen smirked as she sauntered past, her shoulder less than gently bumping mine, "wouldn't want _that_ to be the reason Edolas said no."

There would never be enough words in the English language to describe my contempt for Evergreen. So, for now – and probably for the rest of eternity – a glower would have to suffice. Since childhood we had barely been able to stand each other; a feud which had been born in the Christmas of X772 when I was appointed lead ballerina in our festive concert.

With the two of us now in the running for Edolas, I could see that things were probably never going to change.

"Good _bye_ , Evergreen." Aquarius' voice ground out.

Smile falling slightly, she quickly left, the heavy door to the hall banging closed behind her. I could only hope that she tore a ligament falling down the stairs before next lesson.

"Lucy," Aquarius snapped, drawing me away from my thoughts, "are you still with me?"

"Sorry, Ms Aquarius." I sighed, approaching her with dread. "You wanted to see me?"

Arms crossed – her most infamous pose to date – Aquarius stared at me with a mixture of annoyance and what seemed to be indifference. In all the years that I had known her, I could probably count on one hand the amount of times I had seen her smile, which was a shame really. She looked a lot less terrifying when she did.

"Tell me, Lucey," she began in her usual monotone, "are your feet bleeding?"

"No, Ma'am." I answered simply.

"Are your legs sore?"

Not anymore.

"No, Ma'am."

"Then what the hell is going on with you?" She asked, her palms heavenward as if she was expecting me to drop my excuse right into her grasp. "You've seemed very distracted the last few lessons. Are you feeling alright?"

Flashes of soaking bloody underwear in the sink at two in the morning would be enough to distract anyone. Two weeks on and they still managed to push their way to the front of my mind. But I'd be damned if was going to tell Aquarius that.

"I guess I'm just nervous about the scouts coming." I lied, a soft smile sealing the deal as I shrugged my bag further up my shoulder.

The hard lines in her face faded. "Nerves are normal," she said, "but don't let them come in the way of you and your dancing. You're good, Lucy. Very good. The only thing you have to be nervous about is me kicking your ass if Evergreen gets the position, but don't dare tell her I said that."

One of her rare smiles broke forth then.

"Thanks, Ms Aquarius," it was a poor effort trying to contain my smirk, "I'll definitely be keeping that in mind."

"Good." She nodded. "We'll have an extra lesson, you and I. Monday night, seven o'clock," again, this was not a request, "your feet might be bleeding then."

"I'll bring the band aids."

 **. . . . . .**

"What the fuck took you so long!?" I had barely set one foot out the door before Cana was yelling. "Places to go and people to see, Lucy."

I laughed, my bag falling from my shoulder as I dragged it along behind me. "Cana, I highly doubt that going to the diner and spying on the cute firemen across the street falls into that category."

"That's exactly what I tried saying to her," Levy chimed in, swinging under the old railings of the stairs, "she disagreed."

Hands flying to her hips, Cana could only glare.

"Hey, fire safety is fucking important!"

With a defence like that, I could tell law school was just around the corner.

It was just hitting three by the time I got out; the euphoric feeling of freedom – I could only imagine – resembling that of a convict's first glimpse at the outside world after a long haul. And that was only in my feet once the point shoes were off.

As predicted, we soon found ourselves in the small diner in the centre of town. The strong smell of coffee that hit you the second you walked in was enough to churn even the strongest of stomachs, but Dad had always praised them on their brewed sludge. In his younger days – back when he was working as the messenger boy for his own father – he'd find himself stumbling through the doors early every morning to get the workman breakfast. He'd said that the free cup of coffee he got was what got him through the rest of day.

Personally, I think it was because Mom was the waitress with the pretty smile.

Finding our usual booth, Cana had barely parked her ass before she was peering out the window; her head bobbing around frantically trying and get a good view of the guy across the road. If subtlety was an Olympic sport, she'd have most likely been disqualified.

"Cana, have some dignity, " Levy chuckled while snatching up the menu she could practically recite, "jeez."

Chin in hand, she pointed out the window with a lazy smile. "Is it just me or is there something oddly attractive about him?"

"Oh, he's a work of art." My blue haired friend replied with a roll of the eyes.

It was the bell ringing out from above the door that eventually drew my attention away from my own menu. The difficult decision of what I wanted on my pancakes – lemon and brown sugar, or maple syrup and bananas – seemed so frivolous at that moment in time. And why wouldn't they at the sight of him walking in.

I don't think Natsu noticed me as he sauntered up to the counter, but if he did, he showed no sign of it. Hell, he barely even acknowledged Bisca Connell as she asked his order. He just sat there lost in his own little world, the people round him about as significant as ants. I could have sworn that my heart broke a little at the sight of him; the cloud of sadness hanging over him strong enough to shatter even the hardest of souls.

Drawing my gaze back to my menu ended up proving harder than I thought possible. No sooner had I managed to snap my attention away from him before Cana was taking over as the Designated Natsu Drooler.

"Ooh…" She practically purred, her smile growing with every rapid beat of my heart, "looky what Lucy's found."

On instinct, Levy swung round, her lips curling up in amusement before she turned back to face me with a raised brow.

"I never thought I'd see the day where little Lucy Heartfilia would be mentally stripping someone in broad daylight." She joked.

The heat rising in my cheeks was enough to send them over the edge. Like a pair of hyenas, their laughter rang out; the noise attracting the attention of more than one patron.

"Y'know what, screw you guys," I huffed, closing over the menu before sinking in my seat, "I wasn't looking at anyone."

"Oh, honey cheer up." Cana bellowed. "We were just kidding."

Chancing another glance back at Natsu, I saw that he had finally noticed me. That, or he was just choosing to acknowledge me.

A forced smile tugging at his lips, he stared at me for what felt like a lifetime. To everyone else, I imagined the small exchange must have only lasted a few seconds. A brief meaningless glance between two strangers. A forced politeness. But for Natsu, I could see. I could see in his eyes that he'd come face to face with a ghost. The ghost of a girl who had given him everything for nothing.

". . . Just thought I knew him from somewhere." I mumbled. With a clear of the throat – one that I hoped hid the emotional mess I felt spilling within me – I grabbed for my purse. "I'm going to go order."

Natsu looked away when I pulled myself out from the booth; Levy and Cana quickly getting caught up in something else worthy of their time. Frankly, I didn't know why I was so nervous approaching him. It wasn't as if I had anything to be nervous about anymore. But still I couldn't stop my mind from wandering.

When he'd dropped me home that night, I had quickly accepted that I would probably never see him again. After we had finished, he had quickly sorted himself, his belt buckle – once again – being the only sound that deafened me as I'd scrambled about for my underwear. We had sat there for maybe an hour before he finally brought the old car to life; the sound of silence our only music as he drove me home.

I had chosen to do what I had done that night for none other than myself, so why I had spent the remainder of it in tears, I'll never know.

As I approached the counter, I hadn't thought about what I was going to say to him, the debate on whether I was going to speak to him at all too busy unfolding in my mind. Four feet away and I was still weighing up the chances of making a clean exit without bumping anyone.

But then he turned around, and his eyes lit up ever so slightly and it calmed me.

". . . Hi, Natsu." It had been a hesitant greeting, my voice hitching ever so slightly as his name spilled out with a surprising amount of ease.

For a second I didn't think he was going to reply at all; something I was realizing was a common occurrence when it came to him.

"Hey, Lucy." But I couldn't deny I was glad when he did. "How've you been?"

I had never been a fan of small talk; or particularly good at it for that matter, but considering the nature of our relationship – if I could even call it that – small talk was probably most appropriate at that time.

"Good." I nodded, tucking a stray hair behind my ear. ". . . Good . . . and you?"

"Good."

"Good?"

"Good."

Laughing had seemed stupid in that moment, but I hadn't been able to stop myself. A disgruntled, tuneless melody of a laugh.

Natsu didn't laugh.

"That's . . . good." He must have thought I was the biggest idiot to walk the face of the earth in that moment.

We stood in silence after that, neither one of us knowing what to say to the other. Natsu looked away first when Bisca came over; her smile so big and so bright I was almost convinced that she knew the connection between us.

"Hi Luce," she beamed, her tattered notepad in hand, "what can I get you today, Sweetie?"

I had known Bisca Connell my whole life. Watched her daughter for her too. Every second Friday I spend my night playing video games with little Asuka so she could have a date night with her husband.

A strikingly beautiful woman, she stood no more than two inches above me; a smile constantly etched on her face. But behind the friendly smile, there was glimmer in her eye. One that shone only to those who knew her well enough. One that whispered your darkest secrets back at you. She was nice to the right people – Bisca was – don't get me wrong, but I was fortunate that my mom had been one of those right people.

"Hey, Bisca." I smiled softly. "Just the usual for us."

Scribbling down our order, she glanced at Natsu out the corner of her eye. I could tell that she was weighing up all the scenarios. All the reasons on why I was talking to him. But instead of commenting she just plastered on that overly zealous smile of hers, tore off the order and handed through the hatch to Bickslow.

"Your order won't be too much longer." She told Natsu, her tone changing ever so slightly.

All he did was nod, his gaze barely meeting hers before she turned back to face me.

"So, how're you doing, Sweetie?" She also had a habit of speaking to me like I was twelve years old. "How's your dad and Ashley doing?"

I became hyper aware of Natsu at that moment. This guy didn't even know my last name and he was about to be subjected to the Tales of the Heartfilia Clan.

"They're doing ok," I nodded, my cheeks burning as I tucked a lock behind my ear, "Mavis is home. She came back to help out for a bit."

Hopefully that would be a good enough reply.

Leaning on the counter, Bisca gave a wide-eyed grin. "I know, I bumped into her in the store last week. She was saying you got into Edolas! That's fantastic!"

"Well, I'm not in yet." I shrugged it off. "The talent scouts are coming in a couple of months to watch me dance. I can't guarantee I'll even get past that stage, so I've registered with the Fairy Academy just to be on the safe side. Got a job working at Gildarts to help save for it too."

"Aw, you're a good girl, you'll get in." It stunned me that she thought my behaviour alone was enough to get me into a school like Edolas. "How'd your dad take the news about working in a place like Gildarts?"

It was a no secret that my dad had an issue with Gildarts Clive. Gildarts had been the town drunk back in the day, the two of them usually butting heads whenever they would meet. He would stumble around – bar to bar, liquor store to liquor store – a drink his only goal. Unfortunately, one day, however, Gildarts thought he would get further in the car. Rammed right into the back of my mom as she was coming back from an appointment with the midwife. There was no serious damage done, Mom, and her two buns as she had liked to call us, all unscathed.

Gildarts sobered up pretty quickly after that.

His wife, Cornelia, had been pregnant with Cana at the time. I guess it had all just hit a bit too close to home. When Cana and I had met in school all of Dad's fears resurfaced. Like father like daughter. But Gildarts didn't want Cana turning out like him. He knew she liked the taste of alcohol a little too much. That's why he offered me the job and not her.

"He wasn't the happiest." I admitted. "But a job's a job these days. Can't be too picky. I've actually got a shift tonight."

I didn't miss the glance that Bisca shot in Natsu's direction, even if he did.

"Just you be careful in there." She sounded like a mom. "You don't know who you'll get through the doors that late at night."

Out the corner of my eye I could see Natsu's knuckles turn white at her silent insinuation. Apparently, he had seen her glance.

I smiled. "Don't worry. I never get a customer in after eleven . . . Tonight should be no different."

She seemed satisfied with that, the ping from the bell at the hatch drawing her away to collect Natsu's order. As she turned away, I took my chance to look at him. But he didn't look back. Instead, he took his food, nodded his thanks and left.

He didn't speak to me. He didn't look at me. But I didn't miss when his hand brushed the back of mines as he turned.

I knew that was his goodbye.

 **. . . . . .**

I had a dream the night I slept with Natsu. A dream that I was standing at the riverbank. It was a beautiful day. The sun was shining and the birds were singing and I had been happy. When I looked in the river, the water had been as clear as newly polished crystal, and my reflection had stared back at me smiling and looking pretty.

I had basked in the sunshine for a while, my white dress blowing in the wind as I had danced amongst the daisies. I was in paradise. I had spun and spun and spun, my arms outstretched, palms face up towards the heavens and I didn't think I was ever going to stop.

I didn't think I could.

But then I had seen him. Natsu, standing on the other side of the river, one hand in his pocket of his leather jacket and a bottle of bud in the other.

I had waved to him, called out his name but he had shown no sign of noticing me. I had searched for a bridge to cross and I couldn't find one, but I wasn't going to let it stop me.

Determination coursing throughout me, I had taken a step into the river; the water warm and inviting. Then I had taken another step, and another and another until I was totally submerged. As I had pushed forward, the sky clouded over, the suns warm rays becoming a distant memory. But I didn't stop. Not until I had reached the muddy bank.

I had stumbled out, clambering up the slippery slope towards him. He never moved from his spot, but eventually, I reached him.

He had only smiled down at me, one which I had happily returned.

"I did it." Had been my panted words, my hands grasping hold of the front of his jacket. "I did it."

Looking down at me, he had just continued to smile, the suns light completely gone.

"But what have you achieved from it, Luce?"

My smiled fell then, his words knocking me back.

Inching further away from him, I had been left dumbstruck. I watched on as more and more people began to emerge from the trees behind him. My Dad and Mavis. Ashley and the Dragion boy. Bisca and her husband, Alzack.

Levy.

Cana.

Evergreen.

Aquarius.

And not one of them had smiled. They had just stared at me in disgust.

Looking down at myself, I saw that my white dress had turned black. The river's mud and dirt caking every inch of it. I had felt embarrassed. I had felt ashamed. But I had still done it. I had still made my way through the river.

But for what, I now didn't know.

It was the photo of the river hanging behind the cash register which brought me back to that dream. I couldn't understand why Gildarts insisted on its occupancy in the store, but he did. For ten minutes my gaze had been wandering between it and the clock. At eleven forty, my predictions had proven correct. Not one customer in over an hour had stumbled in through those doors.

But I wasn't one for complaining about that.

Grabbing the broom, I decided that making myself useful would probably help the rest of the shift go in a little quicker. I had already swept twice, but with the state of the floors, you couldn't tell.

By eleven forty-five, I was done.

It was closing in on midnight when I found myself, once again, staring up at the picture of the river and replaying the awful dream in my mind. I couldn't help but wonder just how much Gildarts would miss it if something unfortunate were to happen to it.

But I was too chicken to ever find out.

The sound of the buzzer screeching out as the door opened, I'll admit, surprised me. Twelve oh-one was now the new record for the latest I had seen anyone come trudging in.

With a small sigh – and one final glance at the picture – I turned to give my generic, overly enthusiastic greeting to whoever had decided to grace me with their presence. But for the second time that day I was left stunned at the sight of him.

"Natsu. . ." Was all I managed to spit out. "What're you doing here?"

But he didn't answer. Instead he turned, glanced out the glass door into the empty street, and flipped the sign in the window over to 'closed'.

My heart was going a million miles to the gallon as he slowly turned back and began to approach me. But this time, it felt good. He came to a stop mere inches from my side, and without saying a word, reached in behind me to switch the lights out.

With the place in darkness, we were at no risk of being disturbed.

I didn't stop him when he dipped down and kissed me. I didn't stop him as he took my hand and silently led me further into the store.

I just followed him.

Through into the stock room, and back into the river.

 **. . . . . .**

 **A/N: Well guys, what did you think? My hearts racing every time I go to post a new chapter. It really has been a while XD**

 **Please let me know by leaving a wee review. Many thanks my lovelies xoxox**


	3. Chapter Three

**A/N: Thank you all once again for you beautiful, kind words and continuous encouragement. I know many of you are intrigued/pissed at Natsu, and quite rightly so XD His characterisation is actually inspired by many people I have encountered over the past year and a half. Some who I couldn't imagine life without, and others who I wished I had never met.**

 **. . . . . .**

 **Chapter Three**

I hated going to church.

When I was younger, Mom and Dad would take Ashley and I along every Sunday without fail. We'd lie under the pews on the upstairs balcony playing knots and crosses and games of hangman until the Sunday School kids came out from their dungeon. A full three months went by before anyone figured out where we were going in those two hours. They began to lock the doors to the upstairs balcony after that.

I remember one week Sunday School was cancelled for a 'special' kind of meeting. The service lasted for four hours that day, and for three and a half of them the full congregation sat in silence. There was no music. No sermon. Just silence – with the odd smoker's cough thrown in every so often for special effect.

I never really understood why they chose to do that on that day. It wasn't a particularly noteworthy Sunday like Passover or Easter. Just your regular old boring Sunday where they would serve tea and biscuits afterwards, and not even the good biscuits with chocolate on them.

Not that chocolate biscuits would make going to church any more exciting.

Like that Sunday so many years ago, this one too, was nothing to write home about. I was at that age where I was too old for Sunday School but still young enough where I didn't have to be subjected to two hours of hymns, prayers and bumbling's from the pastor. Instead it was the pastor's son, Sting, Magnolia Pentecostal's very own youth leader.

We sat in a slightly modernised dungeon. Games consoles and pool tables only a few of the items the church used to lure in the young. I wished God was enough for them. I hated church, but God wasn't church.

For some reason people didn't quite get that.

Sting – although the pastor's son – was a bit more likeable than his father, and a lot more attractive as every girl who came to his youth meetings pointed out. He stood about six feet, taller than me but maybe not quite as tall as Natsu, and he wore a smile that always had me looking away with jealousy.

His was real. Mines was not.

I sat up the back as I usually did, Ashley once again typing away on her phone. It looked like things with the Dragion boy were getting serious. She hadn't kicked him to the curb yet.

"Put that thing away," I whispered as Sting grabbed his notes, his sermon about to begin. "You'll get caught."

"And what?" She said with a roll of the eyes. "And get kicked out of The Dungeon and made to spend my Sunday with my friends. What a punishment that would be."

She went back to typing, and I went back to being invisible.

A hush fell over the group as Sting skipped to the front, his smile beaming as he shuffled his notes and ran a hand through his hair.

I did like his hair.

"Morning, guys," Sting greeted, an echoed chorus ringing out in response. "Okay, so today I have a very interesting topic to discuss that I think we can all relate to in one way or another." He picked up a pen, turning to the white board he had set up and wrote down his sermon title. "Immorality: How to stay clean in a dirty world."

If I didn't think I would draw so much attention to myself, I'd have got up and left there and then.

Smile still fixed firmly in place, Sting looked between each and every one of us. "What do you guys think of when I say 'Immorality'."

Lisanna put her hand up first, Sting's attention immediately being caught. "That's easy." She said, her voice as delicate as a song birds. "Sex."

Laughter filled the room, a few boys letting out an excited 'yeah' at the word. Sex was very rarely spoken about in sermons with the youth. I never knew why to be honest. Maybe they thought we'd all run off and fornicate just at the mention of it.

"Sex before marriage?" Sting expanded, Lisanna nodding sweetly. "No, fair enough, sex comes to a lot of people's minds. Sexual immorality is mentioned several times in the bible; but what would you classify as being sexually immoral?"

I wanted to vomit. Run away and wallow in my hole of self-loathing.

"Are you wanting all the grizzly details?" Laxus laughed, slouching in his seat.

Laxus Dreyer, the self-proclaimed 'bad boy' of The Dungeon, was notorious for his recalcitrant behaviour. A few years ago, he was suspended from group activities for bringing in a copy of his dad's Playboy. His old man hid them in sandwich bags and taped them to the top of the toilet cistern. It was funny at the time, Mr Dreyer denying any knowledge of such 'vulgar profanity' being stored under his roof. I thought the little vein in the middle of his forehead was going to pop when he dragged his son out the church by his ear.

Two weeks later, Laxus was back with the latest edition.

Sting shook his head, his lips curling upwards. "I think we all know the gist of it, Laxus, but thanks for offering."

"Anytime, man."

They all laughed again, and I wanted to die.

"Okay," Sting sobered, cutting in through the noise. "What if I said that just looking at a girl and thinking 'man, I'd love to do A, B, C and D to her' was considered immoral? Would you believe me?"

Laxus sighed. "Well, if that's the case, then I'm definitely going to Hell."

"Ugh, you're such a perv, Laxus!" Mirajane blushed, the brute of a boy wagging his eyebrows at her. "Don't you have any shame?"

"Want to find out, sweetheart?" Was his reply, a roar emanating from the congregation.

I now realize that this was the reason why sex was very rarely mentioned amongst the youth. Or amongst Laxus, at least.

"Okay, cool it guys," Sting chuckled, cutting off the brewing argument. "Let's not get too carried away here. This is church, remember."

They settled, but that did little for the waves of nausea threatening to drown me.

"The truth is," Sting continued, "is that being immoral is more than just sleeping around before you get married. It's wickedness. Pure and simple."

The hype in the room died down to a whisper, the excitement fading away to nothing, and for once, I was thankful.

Loke put his hand up next, his brows furrowed together as he pushed his glasses further up his nose. I often credited Loke as being, intellectually, more superior than Laxus; not that that was a difficult task. I was positive he'd be able to divert the topic of conversation completely.

"Yeah," he began when Sting nodded, "what's so 'evil' about sex before marriage anyway?"

But then again, it seemed like every male in The Dungeon had a one-track mind.

I could tell that Sting regretted his topic choice. He kept scratching the back of his neck or rolling his eyes, but everyone patiently waited for his answer. I even caught myself holding my breath in anticipation. Sting was the model Christian. The one who we all secretly strived to be like. He was the Gandhi of The Dungeon, and in our eyes, he could do no wrong. If we wanted an answer to anything, it was his we sought.

"Okay, so we're getting a little side tracked here," he sighed, making his way back to his seat and grabbing a can of Pepsi he had waiting for later, "but I'll try and explain this as best as I can."

Opening the can, he took a big swig, the sticky goodness spilling down his chin and onto his shirt. He looked like the guy in the commercial, and suddenly I found myself craving a can.

"Oh, that's good." He almost groaned. "That is a good can of soda. Loke, would you like a sip?"

Holding the can out, Loke gingerly took it, not even wiping the rim before downing some himself.

"Not bad." He agreed.

"Told you it was good." Sting smiled. "Hey, Laxus! Want some?"

With a shrug, Laxus took the can and drank a little.

"Why doesn't everyone have a sip!? It's so good!" Sting said enthusiastically. "Pass it around, man."

So, he did. The can made its way around every person in the room, some taking small sips, others chugging until they were told to stop and share. When it came to me, I barely let it touch my lips before sending it further down the line, and before I knew it, Sting was holding it once again.

Gently shaking it, there was a faint swish coming from the bottom, the can close to empty after everyone had taken their fill.

"Now, I think we can all agree that on a hot summers day, that was quite satisfying, yeah?" He asked, most agreeing with him as he looked into the can. "Mind you, I think I would have much rather have the whole can to myself than share with a whole bunch of people. Am I right?"

Agreement spilled forth once again.

"Tell you what, Loke," Sting said, biting his lip as he looked back at him. "If you can't wait, I will let you finish what's left in this can. You know, the same can that we all shared and drank from. The can that has all our backwash in it. Would you like that?"

At that, Loke's face screwed up in disgust.

"I think I'll pass." He practically gagged.

"Are you sure?" Sting asked. "I mean, it's only if you can't wait. I really don't mind letting you have it, but if you _can_ wait," making his way back over to his chair, he picked up another can, "then I'll give you this unopened, ice cold, never been shared before Pepsi that you can keep all to yourself. The choice is yours, man."

Loke smirked with a small nod of understanding. "I'll wait."

Smiling, Sting handed him the can. "That's why you should wait until you're married. No one wants an empty can, do they?"

I felt tears burn the back of my eyes as I looked down at my feet.

What I'd give to be back on the balcony playing under those pews right now.

 **. . . . . .**

The sun was beating down high in the sky when I finally got out from The Dungeon. I'd half hoped that time had warped and night had come by then. The sooner this day was over, the better as far as I was concerned. But there was no such luck.

We found Dad at the bottom of the stairs talking to Bisca and Alzack; little Asuka, running on the lawn with the other kids. They were all laughing. Smiling as if they had hangers wedged tightly between their cheeks. It was a picturesque scene of innocence, and once again, I found my jealousy bubbling within.

How happiness didn't wither and die in my presence, I had yet to find out.

Ashley wasted no time in bidding her farewells before heading for her friends' waiting car. I hated her for leaving me. Still, I smiled and waved.

Bisca pulled me in for a hug the second she could. I had learned with Bisca that the tighter the squeeze, the more she liked you. She expressed her delight in my presence, her arms flailing in excitement as she spoke. No doubt she was going to ask for a favour.

"It's so good to see you, Luce." She beamed. "How was Sting's meeting this morning?"

I smiled, praying the bile racing to escape would crawl back down. "It was very . . . informative."

"He's actually a very good speaker for his age." Alzack said, my dad mumbling his agreement. "He's really good for the kids."

Sometimes I think Alzack fails to remember that there's a larger age gap between me and Asuka than there is between me and him. I doubt reminding him would go down well, however. I forgot that the second you became a parent that you became an all-knowing being.

"So, Luce," Bisca said, snapping me out of my inner monologue. "I know you watched Asuka last week, but would you mind watching her again this Friday?" She smiled at Alzack, her hand resting on his bicep. "My love surprised me with a trip to see Lyra in concert as an early anniversary gift."

I forced a smile. "Of course, Bisca. Anytime."

They carried on conversation without me after that, not that I cared much. Levy and Cana were more than likely waiting for me to get back, but all I really wanted to do was lock myself away for a while.

Or forever.

I watched as the bustling crowd dwindled down to the familiar few, my dad showing no sign of leaving anytime soon. Tired of waiting, I went and sat on the wall by the gates. It was quiet, and I was thankful. I waved politely to those who promised to see me next week, the gentle breeze licking at the hem of my skirt. It had butterflies on it, and I couldn't help but picture them trying to fly somewhere far away.

Maybe they could take me with them.

It wasn't long before I felt someone come and sit next to me, and I had to admit that I was a little surprised at who it was.

"Hi, Lucy."

Tucking a lock behind my ear, I smiled. "Hi, Sting."

"What're you doing here by yourself?" He asked, hands tucked into the pockets of his jeans.

"Oh, you know," I shrugged, "just waiting on my dad. He gets a bit carried away in conversation sometimes."

"Don't I know that feeling." He laughed. "I'm a PK, remember. Our dads have to talk to everyone before we can leave."

I think Sting tried too hard to appear cool sometimes.

"How did you find the sermon today?" He asked, making small talk.

I hated it. I hated it so much that I wanted to run away and puke my guts up. Expel every drop of hypocrisy and wickedness out of myself.

"It was really good," I said instead.

That seemed to be enough to satisfy him.

Scratching the back of his neck, he cleared his throat. "So, I was wondering if maybe you would like to go to the movies on Saturday. You know, on a date . . . with me. Only if you want, that is."

My breath hitched, and all I could do was blink.

"A date," I stuttered. "With me?"

"Yeah." He smiled, visibly relaxing. "I thought it would be fun, you know? Get to know each other outside The Dungeon. Plus . . . you're really pretty."

He blushed, and I sighed.

"I'm really flattered, Sting," I began, his wide innocent eyes boring into me, "but would you mind if I think about it?"

He smiled again, although it didn't quite reach his eyes. "Of course, Luce. I know you've had a rough time recently. I'm not going to pressure you into anything you're not ready for."

Sting really was a nice guy.

But I was just an empty can.  
 **. . . . . .**

Natsu had a lot of scars. Some I had never seen before. They were scattered across his body like tiny fallen soldiers; each one painting a picture of the stories they had to tell. One by one, I let my finger trace the path they had created, some fading away to memories, others rough and jagged and hard to forget.

We lay face to face, enveloped by silence. Doing nothing but existing.

And it was beautiful.

Never drawing his gaze away, Natsu brushed my hair from my eyes. Sex with him was becoming a normality these days, but intimacy was something new altogether.

It was quite nice.

"Natsu," I whispered. "Do you think I'm pretty?"

"I think you're very pretty."

He smiled, but I didn't, and he wrapped his arm around me, his large hand splayed on my back.

"Do you think you're pretty?" He asked.

I felt tears well in my eyes. "I think I'm broken."

Brushing my hair away again, he rested his forehead against mine.

"You're not broken," He said, softly. "You're just a little bruised right now, and that's okay."

I wrapped my arm under his, pulling myself flush against his chest and rested my cheek against his shoulder.

He squeezed me tight and I began to cry silently.

"Natsu," I whispered again.

"Luce?"

He could feel my tears now.

"I think I'm broken."

I sobbed, and he saw.

"What happened, Lucy?"

I cracked.

"My mom died."

He held me until I fell asleep that night.  
 **. . . . . .**

 **A/N: I hope you all enjoyed this chapter guys. It was hard to write, and I found myself crying at the end of it. Please leave a little review to let me know what you think. They are so appreciated, and the kind words that you have all spoken about Lucy have really helped me. You honestly have no idea how much it means to me. Thank you.**

 **I love having songs to go along to my stories, so if you like listening to music while reading, here's a list which helped me write down the words.**

Boats & Birds – Gregory And The Hawk  
Mended Souls – Casey Hurt  
Smother – Daughter  
Much More Than That – Sharon Van Etten  
Claire De Lune - DeBussy  
Everybody's Free (To Feel Good) – Jennifer Ann  
Youth – Daughter  
Take Me Home – Jess Glynne  
What A Wonderful World – Louis Armstrong  
Fountain – Sara Lov  
In the Blood – John Mayer  
Somewhere Over The Rainbow - Israel Kamakawiwo'ole


	4. Chapter Four

**A/N: Hi guys. I am so sorry for the delay, but thank you all so much for all the amazing words of encouragement and support that you have all given me. It's what I love about this site, because even though none of us have met, we become like a little family unit, constantly building each other up. Thank you for that.**

 **Here's an extra long chapter for you all.**

 **Enjoy.**  
 **. . . . . .**

 **Chapter Four**

Gildarts Liquor Store was quiet the next day. Not that that was surprising for a Monday afternoon. Everyone was too busy recovering from their weekend and trying to come to terms with the 'Beer Fear' that I had heard so much about, and those who did stumble in were just looking for a quick fix for their hangovers.

I found myself particularly tired that day, probably because I crept in the house at the back of six that morning. My father had already been up half an hour by the time I got in, and was more than a little confused by my early homecoming – especially since he believed that Cana, Levy and I had had a sleep over the previous night. I feigned a stomach upset had brought me home, kissed his cheek, and rushed up the stairs before I became totally engulfed by my guilt.

White lies were becoming common occurrences these days.

As I had laid in my bed, eyes fixed to my ceiling, I wondered what my mother would be making of me from Heaven. Could she see me? Did she and God stand around a swirling pool of memories and future happenings staring into its depths with disappointment in their hearts?

I prayed that she was too busy enjoying her time with the other angels to be wasting her eternity looking down on me and my sins.

I'd hoped that work would have been a distraction that Monday afternoon, but it wasn't. Sweeping the floors and wiping down any visible surface had been a futile attempt at a moment's silence from my mind, the stores quietness offering nothing but an invitation for the deafening mess in my head to take over. That stupid picture of the river taunting me every time I looked its way. I wanted nothing more than to tear it off its hook and trample the glass frame into sand.

I knew I never would though.

When the buzzer rang out above the door, I sobered, plastering on a cheery grin before turning towards the newest group of dead weights.

"Please don't tell me that's the smile you use to greet people," Cana chuckled, Levy following close behind, her nose buried in a magazine.

Feeling my shoulders sag, I relaxed, the two coming to lean across the newly polished counter. "I have to give the customers what they want."

Heaving herself on top of the counter, Cana laughed. "Lucy, it's a liquor store. People come in here for one thing and one thing only."

If I was honest I didn't really care what any of them came in for.

"Hey, what's with the picture of the river?" I asked, not daring to look at it again. "Seems a bit out of place."

With a shrug and roll of the eyes, Cana opened the jar of beef jerky that sat next to the till, grabbing a handful without shame. "No clue. Dad's always really liked it."

I don't know why I cared so much about the picture and the effect it had on me. But I did. I often wondered if there was a special reason behind its existence. Something more deep and meaningful than a simple 'because he likes it' answer. However, Gildarts' choosing of that specific picture was probably just that.

I sighed.

"Oh my gosh!" Levy gasped, eyes wide with shock as she turned the magazine to us. "Jenny and Hibiki are having a baby!"

I welcomed the change in subject, no matter how irrelevant or unimportant I found the newest celebrity baby scandal to be. Like the good little liar I was becoming, I cooed and awed with interest and delight as Levy read out the article. It's what was expected, after all.

"You know, you can tell if you're pregnant by pissing on dandelion leaves," Cana piped in once the article was finished, her mouth full of jerky. "Fun fact."

Levy laughed, and I joined in. "Dandelion leaves? Really?"

"No offence, Cana," I began as I nudged her down from the counter, "but that sounds a bit farfetched, even for you."

Hands up, she giggled. "I fucking swear! They get red lumpy bits on them if you are. It's probably the only fucking thing I picked up on in bio."

Closing the magazine, Levy leaned on the counter, an arm thrown over her eyes in mock outrage. "Alas! Gone are the days of Clear Blue."

I laughed and for a second the world was at peace.

Gildarts didn't really like it when Cana came around to the store. I think he was worried that she'd get drunk off the fumes, but it made the shift go in a little quicker. The three of us sitting around, talking about nothing and everything, reminded me of how it used to be. Before Mom. Before Natsu. Before secrets and double lives came into play.

I was a stranger to them now, and they didn't even know it.

"Sting Eucliffe asked me out yesterday," I said, quietly. Cana almost choked on her jerky and I could already see Levy planning my wedding. "I-I said no, though."

"What the fuck, Luce!?" Cana yelled. "Sting is super hot, why the hell did you say no?"

I shrugged, murmuring a response. "I don't know. I don't really like him in that way, I guess."

Cana scoffed in disbelief. I knew that she would invite Sting into her bed in a second given half the chance.

"Y'know, come to think of it, I can't really picture the two of you together," Levy said. "You're both too. . . sweet. It would be the most boring relationship in history."

I breathed out a small laugh, that familiar wave of shame hurtling towards me. "Yeah."

The buzzer above the door cried out in that moment, drawing my attention away from my friends. I didn't know whether to smile or cry when Natsu walked in, a dark haired boy and a girl who was practically attached to his hip following closely behind. He looked my way almost instantly, a hidden smirk pulling at the corner of his lips as he disappeared down the aisle. I felt the heat in my cheeks rise, my stomach churning. With nerves or delight, I didn't know.

"Sweet or not, you're nuts for saying no, Luce," Cana said, cutting through my thoughts. "Pump and dump, y'know? You've got to pop it some time."

Anger bubbling up, I snapped around to look at her, but she didn't seem fazed or even aware of my rage. "Who's to say I haven't already, huh?"

They both laughed, and I felt embarrassment sail alongside the shame.

"Luce, I'm fucking kidding," Cana said, wrapping an arm around my neck for a hug. "I know waiting is a big deal for you. I respect that. Always."

My eyes burned, and I wanted to be sick. But I took a deep breath, and I hugged her back.

I was pulled away when Natsu and his friends stumbled back up the aisle, their laughter ringing out through the store. Between them, they were carrying a small fortunes worth in vodka, cider, beer, and bourbon. I guess there was only one goal in mind for tonight.

"Hey, Luce," He said with a smile, the many bottles and boxes being piled onto the counter.

I smiled. "Hey, Natsu." I blushed. "Having a party?"

I didn't want to think of Natsu at a party. Girls dancing around him. Grabbing him. Vying for his attention. Not that that was a certainty to happen. It hadn't the night we met. Still, I knew he hadn't left alone.

"Juvia and Gray are," He answered, pointing to the couple behind him who nodded a greeting. "At Juvia's place."

Juvia was beautiful, and not the common type of beautiful either. She was tall and elegant, her skin flawless and her hair like spun silk. She looked like she had walked straight out of that glossy magazine that had been long forgotten on the counter. The words and pages too flimsy to contain such perfection.

It was then that I realised Natsu could share his bed with anyone, and still, he picked me.

Little broken me.

To think I had been there only hours ago and everyone but us had no idea.

Ringing up their items, I tried to keep my gaze fixed on the cash register, but every time Natsu looked away I couldn't stop myself from stealing a glance of him. I didn't quite know what the feeling in my gut was. I didn't love him. I knew that. But I wasn't indifferent either, and the thought of him talking away to another lonely girl at a party was enough to plague me.

"You've just spent a week of my wages on alcohol," I chuckled, trying to calm the turmoil in my mind.

Smiling, Natsu handed me the cash, our fingers brushing slightly. Looking up at him, I saw that he meant them too.

"Well, why don't you come by tonight?" He suggested, handing a bag to Gray. "The three of you."

Cana and Levy were delighted at the invite, their chatter becoming a distant hum as they got the details from Gray and Juvia.

Natsu just continued to stare down at me with that familiar smirk, our fingers still touching.

Pulling my hand back, I cleared my throat. "I can't." But I wanted to. "I have an extra dance practise every Monday night." If I didn't go I'd overthink everything. "The scouts from Edolas are coming soon." It would hurt.

"Can't you get off one night?" He asked, leaning in a touch. "It wouldn't be the same if I had to stand by that big window in the corner all by myself."

He smiled and I realised the party we met at was at Juvia's. "I guess I could text my dance teacher."

His smile grew. "Great." Grabbing the rest of the bags, he straightened himself. "I'll see you there."

With a subtle wink, he left, Gray and Juvia following closely behind.

As the buzzer screeched in the wake of their departure, Cana and Levy squealed. My heart was thundering, my knees struggling to hold my weight. Twenty questions were coming and I had no clue how to answer them. I didn't even know if I wanted to.

"Well, now I can see why you said no to Sting," Cana chuckled. "That's the guy from the diner, right?"

Levy gasped. "I thought I recognized him!"

"We're just friends." I tried to shrug off, distracting myself by texting Aquarius.

 **Aquarius**

 _ **Hey, it's Lucy. I'm really sorry, I won't make tonight.**_  
 _ **I think I'm coming down with something.**_  
 _ **I'll see you at regular practise.**_

I stared at the message for what felt like years.

 _ **Xx**_

Send.

It wasn't a total lie. I wanted to throw my guts up.

Smiling, Cana leaned across the counter. "Friends, or _friends_?" I glared, and she giggled. "Chill! Again, I'm kidding."

I barely registered what she said as my phone started ringing, Aquarius' name flashing on the screen. If I answered she would know that I was bs-ing her, and if I didn't she would think I was being rude and ungrateful. Which is exactly how I was coming across. Still, I bounced the call, and no more than a minute later, my phone was buzzing with a message.

 **Aquarius**

 _ **That's fine Lucy.**_  
 _ **But even an hour's practise would have been better than nothing.**_  
 _ **A x**_

Another thing I had learned about Aquarius – when it was one kiss, she was pissed.  
 **. . . . . .**

When I was a little girl, my mother and I would spend hours in my room playing dress up. She would braid my hair, and let me do her make-up, and Ashley would come in and demand a fashion show. We would stand in front of the mirror, and I would stare up at her in awe. She was so beautiful. Right up to the end. Even when they shaved her head and cut her open. Even when I didn't recognize her – just for that split second – she was still so beautiful.

I didn't know what I saw when I looked in that mirror anymore.

I thought that if I looked in it long enough I'd see the beauty that was once there, but I didn't. I just saw me, and as much as I looked like my mom, the beauty wasn't the same. I was wearing a black dress. Nothing special. It hugged my curves and stopped just above my knee and it made me feel pretty enough to go out in. Pretty was sufficient.

I left my hair down. It was a good curtain.

There was a knock at my door, and without looking away from the mirror, I called for my guest to come in. They did, and the door clicked closed behind them.

"You're looking nice," Mavis said, coming to sit on my bed, a small smile partnered with sad eyes. "A little bit extravagant for dance practise, I must say."

I swallowed, my eyes trained on my reflection. "Yeah," I stuttered. "Aquarius had to cancel. She's not feeling too great."

She didn't say anything. Just blinked with that same ghost of a smile. She knew. Yet she said nothing.

"Maybe you'd fancy a girly night then?" She suggested. "You, me and Ashley on the couch with a good movie?"

I looked down, the guilt clawing at my chest. "I'm meeting Cana and Levy. We're having a sleepover."

"Two nights in a row?" She pushed.

She wanted the truth.

"I guess that's what summer break's for." I tried to chuckle, but it sounded fake and sore.

Standing, Mavis came to my side, looking at me through the mirror. "Is everything ok, Lucy?"

"Of course," I said, looking up. "Why do you ask?"

She looked like she was going to cry, and I hated myself even more for it.

"Grief is a powerful thing," she said. "People teach us how to get things in life, but they never teach us how to lose things. We get through it with the ones we love close by, and we try not to lose ourselves in the process." I could feel my eyes burn. "You're a _good_ girl, Lucy, and you know I'm here when you're ready. When you want to talk to me. I'll be right here."

I did know.

I wanted my mom though.  
 **. . . . . .**

The estate building outside of Magnolia was just how I remembered it.

A palace of lights.

Cana had picked me up in the Bug – Levy riding shogun. The two of them had been so excited for the party, and I felt it best to play along. Mavis had stood waving us off, the déjà vu almost too much to handle, but again, like the deceiver I was becoming, I just smiled and waved back. She had been waiting for me to cave. Waiting for me to break and confess to what I had become. But I couldn't do that. Not until I had learned fully myself.

I kept the smile even when we got out the car, Cana and Levy wasting no time in entering the house. If it was possible, it was even busier than last time. The music was twice as loud, the boys were twice as rowdy and if I didn't know any better, there was probably more alcohol soaked into the carpet than into their livers.

But still, I kept smiling.

"Now this is a party!" Cana cried over the music, grabbing my hand and telling me to grab Levy's as we pushed our way through the crowd. "Let's get a drink."

I thought of Gildarts, and what he'd say. "Cana, do you think that's wise?" I asked, stupidly. "Let's just dance for a bit first."

"I'm with Cana on this one, Luce," Levy chimed in with a giggle. "We have the whole night ahead of us."

I broke the chain, the two of them immediately linking back up. "Well, I'm going to go look for Natsu," I shouted. "I'll catch up with you."

"Don't have too much fun," Cana smiled, winking before dragging Levy away.

I was left in the sea of strangers. A perfect place to be if I was being totally honest. Lost and alone in a world of unfamiliarity, where no one knew me and where no one wanted to. It was almost too tempting to stand there – just for a little while – getting lost in the swarm and the music.

Closing my eyes, I pushed my way through the crowd. I breathed – a deep sigh – and for a fraction of a second, a pain that had settled in my chest for so long, lifted. And it was magnificent. I swayed with the music, bumping the bodies around me, flesh on flesh. Sticking. Trampling. Animalistic.

I was in an Eden of chaos.

And I loved it.

I don't know how long I stood there dancing. I don't think I even opened my eyes until I felt him pressed against my back. His fingers digging into my hips, our bodies swaying together to the beat of the music. Without turning, I snaked my arm up around his neck, my fingers gripping onto the hair at the nape of his neck, his lips brushing my neck. He was shirtless. Drunk. Wanting.

I didn't love him.

But I wanted to.

"You need a drink," He whispered in my ear.

It was thundering, and this time I didn't argue. I let him pull away, take my hand, and lead me through the crowd to the kitchen. My moment was gone and the pain came back.

While dancing, I hadn't thought much of Natsu's state of dress. His jeans hung low on his hips, the waistband of his boxers visible to the world. He glistened with sweat and his hair fell into his eyes, and he was utterly perfect. Sticky beer residue and all.

"Natsu?" I shouted, but he didn't hear. "Natsu!?" Turning, he smiled with heavy eyes. "Where's your shirt?"

I could tell he was trying to appear sober. That him being half naked was a normality. "I don't know." He answered, simply. "C'mon."

He pulled me again, and I followed.

The kitchen was a sardine can. Bodies squeezed in left, right and centre. I'd have been lost if Natsu hadn't pulled me closer. And I'm glad he did.

It was a keg stand that had attracted the horde to the kitchen. Most of the men – boys – were in one state of undress or another, the women standing with their tongues hanging out at the sight of them. I was placing my bets on Natsu's missing shirt and beer flavoured skin being a side effect of the drunken show.

"What're you drinking?" He slurred, pushing his way to the island in the middle.

And the truth was, I had no idea. Apart from whatever poison I had finished off the night we first met, the only thing I had tried was a small glass of red wine, and I hardly doubted that was an option.

I decided to play coy instead.

"Surprise me."

He seemed to like that answer, because all he did was smile.

Vodka. Southern Comfort. Triple Sec. . . I lost track of what Natsu was mixing together after that. I think he did too, if I was being totally honest. Pretty soon I had the vilest looking cocktail being handed to me like it was The Holy Grail. But I wouldn't complain. Not this time. I just smiled, stared up at him and drank.

And I drank.

And. I drrannk.

a'Nd I _dramnck_.

The night played out like a montage. The kitchen. Kissing. The dancing. Kissing. The drinking. Kissing. It was a blur that all merged into one long, messy medley of events that, I'm sure, my father would throttle me for if he knew. But I didn't care. I laughed. I smiled. I didn't think of my mom. I didn't feel consumed with guilt.

I just drank.

We were on the couch when the chaos began to even out. The spiralling events of wickedness quickly coming into line. We were squeezed into the corner, Natsu still shirtless, and a crowd around about us. My legs were thrown over his without care, his fingers dancing drunken circles on my inner thighs. Our lips barely parted. Not even to speak.

"Natsu, there's people." I slurred, not daring to look at the faces staring.

He smirked into my mouth. "So? Do you want to stop?"

He knew I didn't, and he kissed me again.

"But there's people." I didn't know if I was saying to him or trying to reach through to myself.

I heard some shout for us to get a room. Others begging to join.

Natsu pulled back, his fingers stilling on my thighs. "Juvia said I could have the guest bedroom tonight."

His eyes were clouded with lust, his breathing short and sharp. Our lips were swollen, but I could tell that neither of us wanted to stop.

"Ok."

There were cheers as we stood up, Natsu's name being called out by his friends as we left the room and stumbled up the stairs. The journey to the guest bedroom seemed to last a lifetime, one filled with bruised lips and knocking teeth. Strangers passed by and neither of us cared. We were engulfed by each other, our only thoughts of what would come next.

Staggering to a stop, Natsu pulled me to his chest, his back pressed against a door that he less than gracefully tried to open from behind.

In a fit of laughter, we fell through, our attention being forced away by the two brutes bent over the dresser with rolled up twenties to their noses. I tried to hide my shock. Natsu didn't seem to care.

"You two need to leave," He chuckled, waving them out. "And take your shit with you."

They didn't speak. They just snorted their gear, and left.

I had never seen anything like it before.

I didn't want to again.

When they were gone, Natsu locked the door, the thoughts of the two men being forced to the back of my mind when I found myself being pinned against it.

"I want to fuck you so bad," he moaned into my mouth, pulling me forward and leading me hastily to the bed.

There was urgency as he made quick work on his belt, the clinking of the metal digging up foggy flashbacks from the night in his Camaro. I closed my eyes, praying the guilt would stay buried a little longer.

Just a little longer.

I tried to laugh as Natsu threw me down on the bed. I tried to enjoy. He smiled as he pushed his jeans and boxers down, towering over me naked, proud and ready. I had seen him naked more times than I could count over the past five weeks, but for some reason I felt exactly how I did that first night in the front seat of that car.

My head was spinning as he grabbed my ankles. I could barely focus as he spread my legs. My breathing was becoming ragged as his hands skimmed my thighs, and my stomach churned as he threw my dress over my hips.

I needed to stop.

He pulled my panties down.

I was going to vomit.

He could see there was something wrong.

With underwear at my knees and dress bunched around my waist, I sat up, Natsu quickly stepping out of the way as I staggered to my feet. My panties fell to the floor as I lunged towards the en-suite, my dress falling back down over my hips as I skidded to the toilet. With grace and dignity flying out the window, I heaved.

And I choked.

And I cried.

Head in my hands I threw my sins up into the bowl, the cold bathroom tiles against my thighs helping to sober me.

I wanted to die.

Not from embarrassment. Not from shame.

I just wanted to end.

I wanted to cease existence. I wanted God to take me back to the time I was in my mother's tummy. I wanted to stay there. Never to break free.

Never to come out.

Natsu came and rubbed my back. He scooped my hair out my face and whispered for the pain to stop.

I don't know what pain he was talking to.

He helped me up once I had finished, and like a child, he washed my face and held me close.

When he undressed me, the urgency was gone. The heat and passion long forgotten. He just pulled back the covers, turned out the light, and held me close until he fell asleep.

I didn't love him.

But I wanted to.  
 **. . . . . .**

Natsu hadn't woken when I got out of bed. He hadn't even moved when I got dressed and crept out the room. At four-thirty, there wasn't many people still up. Many of them had passed out where they stood, and the others were too busy drinking themselves into a slumber to even notice my presence.

Not that my presence was noteworthy to begin with.

I felt frail as I made my way down the stairs, the hallways almost foreign without the music blaring in every corner. It was almost lonely.

But I didn't care.

I wasn't surprised when I saw that Cana was one of the few still awake when I made my way for the front door. She had taken over the keg with the few that still stood. Levy, on the other hand, was sound on the couch by the fire, a big tank of a man covered in piercings acting as her shield.

It was sweet, and I didn't want to taint it with staring too long.

Instead, I slipped out the house unnoticed.

I wasn't drunk, but I wasn't sober either as I walked barefoot around the grounds of the estate. I was lying somewhere between being numb and being in excruciating agony. But it was ok, because it reminded me that my existence hadn't dwindled away to nothing just yet.

There was still time, and I prayed that it would happen.

I thought back to Mavis, and what she had said as I traipsed along the gardens, my eyes scanning the flower beds reverently. We try not to lose ourselves _._ _We try not to lose ourselves_. It was like a curse. I couldn't even tell what myself consisted of anymore.

I was a liar and a fake and I had hate for myself buried so deep that an axe to the root wouldn't even cure it.

I stopped.

I shivered.

Natsu didn't hate me.

Natsu barely knew me.

But I was beginning to know him, and as I bent down and grabbed the bunch of dandelion leaves that had taken seed along with the rosebushes, I was scared to find out just how much.  
 **. . . . . .**

 **A/N: That was another super hard chapter to write, guys, but I hope you all enjoyed it. Like I said, this is a semi autobiography. A coming-of-age drama, if you will. A lot of the things you read here are things that I have went through and witnessed within the past year. It's hard and emotional, but it's real. I was condemning myself for so long, but when I gave parts of my life to a character, I realised that the things I was saying to myself were so cruel, and that if it was someone else living these things and struggling, then I would never treat them the way I was treating myself. Sometimes putting yourself first is necessary, and that's what I'm learning.**

 **If any of you have any questions, or even want to chat, then please feel free to message me. I'm always here.**

 **And if you enjoyed the confusion and turmoil that this chapter was, then please feel free to send a little review :o) Thanks xx**


	5. Chapter Five

**A/N: Thank you everyone for the feedback for chapter four. It really is much appreciated and I'm sorry it has taken so long for this chapter to come out.**

 **I've been quite ill recently and have been in and out of hospital quite a bit. Things aren't back to normal, but I'm slowly getting there. I love writing, but unfortunately, I have been too exhausted to put words down and it is so frustrating because I am constantly having new stories come to mind and I am desperate to write them down XD**

 **But for now, please enjoy the latest chapter. . .**

 **. . . . . . .**

 **Chapter Five**

I was going mad.

Slowly and painfully mad.

I didn't get out of bed on the Tuesday. Or the Wednesday. On Thursday, I lay atop the comforter staring at the ceiling for hours, my eyes trained on a tiny spider in the corner.

I imagined that he was sitting mapping out his route for the day. Each dip and turn on the speckled surface just another inevitable part of his journey.

His whole world consisted of my age stained ceiling, and if I wanted to – if I truly wanted to – I could snuff it out in a whisper of a breath.

But he was just a spider.

When he woke up that morning, tucked tightly away in his corner, it probably never even crossed his mind that he could so easily be wiped off the face of the earth within a few hours.

He may have had a wife and a thousand spider children, but Death wouldn't have cared.

He was just a spider.

And my mom was just a mom.

And Death hadn't given two shits there.

When Friday finally rolled along, I got out of bed. I got showered and dressed, and I went down stairs to the kitchen for breakfast. I smiled at Mavis, kissed my father on the cheek and mocked Ashley for texting once again, and – most of all – ignored the glances they had shared with each other at my presence.

When Friday finally rolled along, I stepped back into the real world.

I hadn't spoken to Natsu since the party. He tried to call me a few times, but I didn't answer.

We had known each other five weeks. I counted. Five weeks, and it felt like a lifetime, and in that short lifetime I hadn't learned one thing about him.

Sure, I knew the basics. I knew he was tall. That he was sociable. I didn't know what his favourite colour was. I didn't know how old he was. I didn't even know his last name. And it sickened me at just how far my morals had flown.

But still, I knew him better than anyone.

I had promised Bisca that I would babysit Asuka that night. I wanted to walk, but Dad had insisted on driving me. Personally, I think he was worried that I'd walk out the front door and never return.

I'd be lying if I said it hadn't crossed my mind.

We sat in silence most of the ride, Dad trying to fill it with the odd cough. He drummed his fingers on the steering wheel, the faintest intake of breath every few seconds indicating that he wanted to talk to me. I just looked out at the passing trees and pretended I didn't know what he was doing.

It was easier that way.

When we pulled up outside I couldn't look at him. I grabbed for my bag, reached for the door and raced towards my escape. But he stopped me dead, a gentle hand on my elbow drawing me back.

He wasn't looking in my direction. He was just staring at the steering wheel, sadness dancing in his eyes. Unwavering and unashamed.

I knew he missed my Mom. How could he not? I knew he saw her lying there. I knew that full morning played out in his head liked it did mine. Like a movie stuck on repeat, jumping and replaying that one scene over and over and over and over and over…

"Luce?"

And _over_.

The tears were silent.

And so were we.

And it was enough.

 **. . . . . .**

"Lucy, do you have a boyfriend?" Asuka asked as I pulled her dampened hair into a ponytail.

I didn't answer her straight away. Instead I let out a silent sigh. It had been like this all night. Any minute that passed by with silence and she felt that she had to fill it with an awkward question. But she soon asked again, turning to look at me with her sweet innocent smile and I couldn't stay irritated for long.

She didn't know my mixed-up life.

I prayed to God above that she never would.

I thought back to the party – or what I could remember of it – and I saw her standing there amongst the crowds holding her little teddy bear. And she didn't belong. Then I saw me. Little five-year-old me. Scared. Crying. And she didn't belong either.

Asuka didn't have to know that shame. But that little five-year-old was forced to.

And I was sorry that I did that to her.

" _Lucy_ ," she ground out with urgency, snapping me out of my daze as she stood in front of me, hands on my shoulders. "Do you have a boyfriend?"

She shook me, and I smiled. A real smile.

Poking her in sides, she squealed, collapsing into a little ball of laughter as I grabbed her and drew her in for a bone crushing hug.

"No," I began, "I do not have a boyfriend."

Pulling back and pushing a loose strand of hair from her face, she grinned. "Do you love someone?"

"I love you," I smiled, kissing her cheeks. "Lots," kiss, "and lots," kiss, "and lots."

She laughed again, and for a second, I could feel that small flicker of familiarity spark up in my chest and fill me from head to toe.

A spark of joy.

"No," she giggled again, pushing me back to look at me. "Do you love a _boy_?"

I thought of Natsu and his smile.

I thought of the party. I thought of our first meeting and in the Camaro. I thought of the time he came in to Gildarts. I thought of the night where he held me while I cried. But most of all, I thought about the look I his eyes every time he saw me.

"No," I answered softly. "I don't love a boy."

A sadness overcame Asuka at that moment and I felt it too. She looked at me as if it was the most heart-breaking news that she had ever heard, and in her short life, it may very well have been.

"I hope you love someone one day, Lucy," she said, placing a tiny hand on my cheek, wiping away a silent tear I hadn't even realised had fallen. "You have a lot of it to give."

My breath hitched, but I smiled, kissing her on her forehead.

"It just lets me love you more," I whispered.

 **. . . . . .**

I didn't like sticking around too long when Bisca and Alzack got in. Usually I'd be offered tea and toast and a ride home, and despite my want to leave quickly, I would normally hang around for at least another hour listening to stories of their adventures and sweet confessions of love to each other.

Tonight, I didn't.

The sun had gone down for the day and it was late, but I didn't want to go home yet.

I didn't really know where I wanted to go.

I walked around the streets with my hood up despite the days heat still clinging to the air, and for the first time in forever I looked up. The sky was clear, and the stars could be seen for miles, and it was beautiful and peaceful, and I wanted to do nothing but dance under them and bask in their brilliance.

They made me smile.

I decided to take the long way home. The road that would take me past Gildarts. Dad didn't like me walking it alone at night, but the stars would keep their watch.

Gildarts Liquor Store sat on the edge of town overlooking the old corn fields. Farmers hadn't been able to harvest a single thing other than weeds for the past few years and over time it had become a little desolate. It was like a different corner of the world, but still, I couldn't keep my eyes away because the stars shone brighter and the earth was still.

I didn't notice his car at first but that could have been because I wasn't expecting to see it. He sat under the burned out street lamp that stood by the permanently empty newspaper stand, fingers drumming on the steering wheel and eyes ghosting over the empty street. He looked elated when he eventually saw me, like I was a figment of his imagination that he was happy to see just once before I vanished into thin air.

Eyes never leaving me, he climbed out the car, his hands burying deep into his pockets once he had kicked the door shut.

"Natsu?" I questioned, never moving from my spot "What are you doing here?"

He looked embarrassed. Like someone had held his underwear up for everyone to see. "You haven't been answering my calls and I thought maybe you'd be working tonight."

It was a simple answer, and the only one he could give.

Shifting on the balls of his feet, he slowly walked towards me, a panic in his eyes.

"Have I done something, Lucy?" Scratching the back of his head he stopped within inches of me.

He looked sad. That same sadness that had danced in Asuka's eyes.

With the only smile that I could muster, I wrapped my arms around him, laying my cheek against his chest. I could hear his heartbeat and the comfort it brought was indescribable.

"No, Natsu," I sighed, "you haven't done anything. I'm sorry I've not spoken to you."

He was hesitant at first, but eventually he wrapped an arm around me, his grip tight and wanting.

I didn't want to have sex, but when he took my hand and led me to the car my heart dropped because I knew I wouldn't say no either. But he stopped, instead turning and perching on the hood of the Camaro to look out at the fields.

I knew I must have been staring too long, because he motioned for me to join him while taking a cigarette from his pocket and lighting it.

I didn't know he smoked.

"The fields aren't as lonely when you have someone to look at them with," he said, blowing a cloud of smoke into the air. "Y'know, when I was a kid, my brother and I would ride our bikes out here every Saturday. There used to be a small creek over by the far corner – behind the trees – and we would go swimming from dawn until our mom would come out looking for us. Every week she would act like she had no idea where we had run off to."

His smile was bright, and I couldn't draw my eyes away from him because he was beautiful.

"Are you close to your family?" I asked, enjoying listening to his voice.

Taking a draw from his cigarette, his eyes turning to the ground, he shook his head. "Nah, Zeref kind of went his own way after high school. I don't really know what he's up to now."

Crossing my legs, I picked at the corner of my nails. "What about your mom?"

He was quiet but looked up to the corner of the field.

"I think, maybe she got tired of looking at the same creek every Saturday," he answered softly. "Maybe she wanted to go and see the rest of them."

The smell of his cigarette was pungent, and I think he used it to hide in the cloud, but I still took his hand and held it tight.

"Natsu," my voice was quiet, timid like a stranger's. "What are we?"

He looked at me, and I could tell that he didn't know what to say. He was silent for the longest time, but he wasn't restless.

He just held my hand.

"Do you know that little flicker of light you see between the trees? The one that guides you home after you've been lost in the woods for a long time?" I nodded. "Well, I think we're each other's flicker, Luce."

He didn't look at me, and I couldn't tell if it was because he was ashamed or if he felt he didn't need to. But I wanted to look at him. I wanted to see him and the raw vulnerability that I had never witnessed before.

Hand on his cheek, I turned him to face me.

His hair was getting longer. It fell into his eyes more now than it did when we first met. His eyes were dark and hooded, and I wondered just how much sleep he had had over the past week.

But he was still beautiful, and I didn't ever want to think otherwise.

Leaning in, I kissed him. Soft and gentle and filled with something deeper than want.

And he kissed me back just the same.

Maybe it wasn't love tonight.

But for tonight, it was enough.  
 **. . . . . .**

 **A/N: Well guys, I hope you liked this chapter and I hope you all liked seeing a slightly more vulnerable side to Natsu. Really, he is just as vulnerable as Lucy in some ways.**

 **Once again, your words of encouragement mean so much, so please leave a little review to let me know what you thought.**

 **If anyone has any questions or would even like to chat, just pop me a message.**

 **Thanks lovelies xoxoxo**


	6. Chapter Six

**A/N: Thank you everyone for the lovely reviews, messages and well wishes. I consider you all friends, and I want you know that it is ok to talk.**

 **If I can ever offer a listening ear to any of you, please do not hesitate to email me.**

 **WARNING: Please note that there are certain subjects and statements in this chapter that some readers may find upsetting.  
. . . . . .**

 **Chapter Six**

I think the most beautiful thing I had ever seen was when two little birds sat on my window ledge cuddle together to hide from the snow.

They must have been young and unfamiliar with the whole flying south thing. Either that, or their mom had left them, and they were lost. They only had each other, but that was enough.

I didn't have anyone standing with me as I looked in the mirror. I was in my bra and panties, my hair tied up in a loose ponytail and my nails were chewed to the bed. Cana and Levy sat outside waiting for me to try on the little dress they had thrown in my direction, but I just took the time to stand and stare.

To say that I looked different would be a lie. I looked the same as I always had. I wasn't particularly fat; however, I would hardly describe myself as being skinny.

My hips were curvy, and I had cellulite. I had bruises on my knees that I could never remember the cause of, and no sign of a thigh gap.

I suppose none of it really mattered in the end though.

When I was a little girl I remember I would stand in front of the mirror and imagine what I would be like when I grew up.

I had always envisioned success and purpose. A loving family – untied and healthy and alive. We would have a dog, and maybe even a rabbit or a fish, and we'd be whole. No cracks. No missing pieces. We'd be happy, and our minds wouldn't be broken.

The impatient groans and giggles from Cana and Levy spurred me to move; the skimpy pelmet mimicking as a dress long forgotten. I ran a hand along my stomach and caught sight of the tiny crimson dot on the front of my underwear that I had been so desperate to see.

Pulling my panties down to my knees, I found a fresh tissue in my purse. It wasn't a lot, but that little speck was enough to make my heart slow down from the marathon it hadn't even realised it had been running.

If only it had made the pain stop.

I looked in the mirror again, and I looked the same as I always had.

My hips were curvy, and I had cellulite.

I had bruises on my knees that I could never remember the cause of, and no sign of a thigh gap.

And I was right.

None of it really mattered in the end.

 **. . . . . .**

It had been two weeks and three days since that night outside the liquor store, and only four since I had last seen Natsu.

I found missing him strange.

But I did, and no matter how much I didn't want to, I couldn't stop.

Summer break was nearly over, and I was going to be starting college in the fall if Edolas didn't take me. Aquarius had threatened to cancel our extra practises indefinitely if I didn't start putting the effort in, and I couldn't find it in myself to tell her that I truly didn't care.

So, I would go, and I would dance, and I would go home and forget about it until Monday rolled along once again.

And I smiled every second of the way.

Aquarius hadn't forgiven me fully for cancelling on her that Monday. I could tell as she hadn't given me a moments rest since I arrived. Part of me wondered if she had known I had been at the party that night, and an even bigger part of me wondered if she had witnessed my escapades.

My sins.

I wanted to be sick.

"Keep your leg straight, Lucy," she barked, arms crossed. "At this rate you can clean Edolas' toilets for a living."

I threw myself into the music – eyes closed and body heaving. Bent underneath the weight of a fictious passion that overruled mind, body and soul. It was my desperate plea to an unforgiving world to grant me my heart's desire. To finish me. To put me in the ground or throw me into the wind and just let me end.

Cease to exist.

A request for something more than death.

I could feel it rise within me. A scream or my demise, I wasn't sure. But I kept dancing. I spun and twirled and leapt and swayed on every note that filled the room. And Aquarius didn't stop me.

But I couldn't take it, and I staggered to a halt. I ignored her as I tripped to the wastepaper basket, and I silenced her when I threw my guts up into it. And when I cried she knew.

"Lucy?" She gently called, coming to my side as I fell to my backside and howled. "What is it?

I couldn't answer her. I just grabbed at my hair, elbows resting on my knees, and broke. And for a second it was like every ounce of pain had its moment to escape.

Kneeling beside me, Aquarius wrapped an arm around me as I screamed. A growl which had birthed from my chest, clawing its way up and spilling out.

She hugged me tighter.

"It's ok," she cooed, her cheek resting against my head as my hands released my hair and clung to her. "It's ok."

"I'm _sorry_!" I finally confessed. "I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I'm so, so, sorry! I'm sorry! I'm sorry –"

But it would never be enough.

Pulling away, Aquarius forced me to look at her through bloodshot eyes, her hand holding my face with authority and tenderness.

"Listen to me, Lucy," she said, firmly. "You are loved."

The tears didn't stop, but she carried on.

"Your dad loves you. Your sister loves you. Mavis loves you," her eyes were glassy, but she didn't break contact. " _I_ love you."

Still holding on to her, my hair sticking to my face, I felt my voice return.

"Aquarius," I began, my lip trembling. "I think I've made a mistake."  
 **. . . . . .**

I sat in the car as Aquarius ran into the drug store.

She had insisted that no one would have thought any less of me if I were to go in and buy the test myself, but I didn't want to, and she didn't force me.

Aquarius had been married for seven years, and her and her husband still didn't have any kids. I couldn't help but wonder if that was by choice or not, and if it wasn't, if they would want mine instead.

I didn't want a baby.

When that little spot had appeared in the dressing room, I thought my fears had been settled. But nothing had followed it, and my fears had grown to a bitter realisation that I may very well become a mother whether I wanted a baby or not.

It was dark outside, and I sat with my hood up, the headlights from each passing car causing me to bury myself as deep into the seat as possible.

Maybe Natsu would want a baby.

Maybe he would disappear for good if he didn't.

I sat with my phone staring at his number for the longest time. He was number two in my favourite contacts list; my mom's number still being number one.

He very rarely answered his phone, but I wanted to hear his voice nonetheless.

It rang three times before jumping to voicemail.

" _Hey, Natsu's phone. Leave a message and I'll get back to ya!_ "

BEEP.

"Hey," I began, softly. "It's me . . . just giving you a call to see what you're up to – um – could you give me a call later? O-or not, it's fine – um – I'll. . .I'll be here. Okay – um – bye."

Aquarius climbed back into the car as I hung up.

I hadn't seen her leave the store, but she smiled, fixed her jacket and held out the small bag to me with a confidence that I needed.

I took it slowly, unable to look her in the eyes.

"You know, I never meant for any of this to happen," I practically whispered. "I really didn't. I just. . .I needed to feel something other than death. Something more than loss."

Reaching over, Aquarius took my hand, squeezing it until I looked at her.

"Lucy," she said. "You have gone through more in the past six months than most of us have in our whole lives. So, why are you tearing yourself apart for meeting a boy and escaping for a while?"

"I just. . .I miss my mom, Aquarius," I said through my tears. "So much, and she would be horrified at what I've become. At what I've done. All my life, I've been everyone's good girl. . .and now look at me."

Taking both my hands and holding them tight, Aquarius was silent as I broke down.

"Lucy," she called out, drawing me back. "People will always think what they want about you. If you've slept with one guy, they'll walk around believing it's hundreds. If you're a virgin, I can guarantee you, they'll make out that you have a new guy every second day. You can't change that."

I hiccupped. "I know."

"Have you ever taken a pregnancy test before?" She asked, redirecting the conversation to the matter at hand.

I shook my head.

"No," I answered, honestly. "I tried to do the dandelion test a few weeks ago. I ended up flushing the leaves in the end because I couldn't bring myself to look at them."

"Dandelions aren't going to help you, kid," she said softly, reaching out and tucking some hair behind my ear. "Do you want me to stay with you while you take it?"

"I want nothing more."  
 **. . . . . .**

When I was younger, I remember watching a film about a planet colliding with Earth.

I remember how frightened it had made me back then. I would lie awake at night, looking out the window from my bed, terrified that I would see its approach before it wiped us all out.

A cataclysmic dance of death with the heavens.

Back then, my mom had always said that if I was ever afraid, then I was just to look up; for the God who hung the stars in the sky, and who knew each of them by name, also knew me and all my fears,

Finding out I had a baby growing inside of me had been more terrifying than the prospect of a planet hurtling towards me in the end.

I no longer feared death.

Instead, I lay in the grass looking up at the stars and beckoned it. I prayed that the moon would fall from the sky; that the planets would align and save me the trouble of finishing it myself. I prayed that God would see me and have mercy. That He would take the life from inside me and give it to someone who wanted it. Someone who would love it and care for it more than I ever could.

The grass was cold, and I didn't know how long I had lain there by the time my phone rang.

When his name flashed up, I almost didn't want to answer.

But I did, because he deserved more.

"Hey, Natsu."

And in the end, maybe he would want a baby.

"Yeah, everything's fine."

And maybe he wouldn't.

"We just. . .need to talk about some stuff."

And maybe the moon would fall after all.  
 **. . . . . .**

 **A/N: Hey guys, so I hope you enjoyed this chapter. I know it touched on certain topics that some people may find difficult to cope with, and I am so sorry for any upset that may have been caused.**

 **If anyone would like to chat, please don't hesitate to PM me.**

 **xoxoxo**


	7. A Note From The Author

**A Note From The Author**

Hi guys. I'm very sorry that this isn't a new chapter. I just want to remind everyone that today is World Mental Health Day.

If there is anyone who has been reading this story who is struggling to cope with daily struggles, then I want you to know that you are not alone and that I am here for you.

There are lots of organisations out there if you are finding life difficult, suffocating and not worth living and if you need support, then I will be happy to help direct you to someone who can offer assistance.

I want you all to know that you are loved, you are worthy, and that there are amazing plans for your life!

Don't give up. Keep fighting. End the silence.


	8. Chapter Seven

**A/N: Hi guys. Thank you all so much for the continuous support you have all shown me with this story. I am so sorry for the length of time it has taken to write this chapter. I have been on the fence about writing a certain event which took place in my life, but after some serious thinking, I decided I was going to, because the harsh reality is that these sorts of things happen more often than we think, and so many people are affected by them.**

 **As you know this story is semi-autobiographical, so not everything that is going on with Lucy is what I went through, however, if at any stage you want to ask me any questions or even vent, I am only a message away.**

 **I would recommend listening to 'Love & Loss' by Mattia Cupelli and 'Mono No Aware' by Hammock while reading this chapter.**

 **WARNING: Pease note that there are certain subjects and statements in this chapter that some readers may find upsetting.  
. . . . . .**

 **Chapter Seven**

The front wheel of the cart was loose.

It wobbled side to side as I slowly rode it up the aisles, the weight of each heavy crate dragging it off to the long shelving unit Gildarts used to keep the spirits stocked.

It had been a quiet night. Unusually quiet for a Friday – the most eventful part of my evening being when I kicked out a group of kids trying to buy tonic wine. When they were gone it was quiet again, and I joined in on the quietness and that was okay. Gildarts had attempted to fill the void with the occasional joke, and I had learned that if I laughed loud enough, he would be satisfied and go back to whatever he was doing.

Counting yesterdays takings seemed to be enough to distract him for the time being.

The overhead light was flickering when I stopped at the bottom of the aisle, the buzz of electricity in the bulb almost deafening in the quietness. I made sure to pick the heaviest boxes I could find to unload first, throwing my back into heaving each one in and out of the cart. The rattle of the bottles our only music.

Gildarts looked up at the sound of my grunts, but I paid him no attention.

"You're goin' to hurt yourself, kid," he piped up when the cart was finally emptied. "Them pelvic floor muscles you women have."

"I'll be fine," I smiled firmly, pushing the cart back to its home in the corner. "Hey, weren't you supposed to leave like an hour ago?"

He smiled, his brow cocked as he finished flicking through his wad of twenties. "If I didn't know any better, I'd think you was tryin' to get shot of me, Luce."

I didn't reply. I just smiled and quietly sauntered over to him.

"Go home," I said, arms crossed as I leaned on the counter. "I can lock up."

He looked like he was going to argue – his lips pursing to hold back a smirk. But finally, he relented, a loud puff passing through his teeth as he chuckled.

Gildarts, I could tell, had been an attractive man back in his day. I think the secret was hidden somewhere in his eyes. When he smiled, they did too, and that made even the ugliest person beautiful.

"Ok, I can take a hint," he sighed, rolling his eyes jovially while tucking the money into an envelope before pocketing it. "But don't stay open past midnight."

I saluted and he laughed, his eyes doing the thing.

"G'night, kid."

And just like that, it was quiet again. Nothing but the sound of my thoughts and flickering bulbs.

I waited until I saw his car drive away. I waited a little while after that just to be safe; flipping the 'We're Open' sign over to an empty parking lot. I wanted to be alone. Alone with my thoughts. Alone with my sins. Lying on the floor in a stupor until morning broke.

I still hadn't told Natsu about it. About the baby. Calling the thing 'it' made everything slightly less real, and like straws, I was going to clutch to that as long as possible until everything turned into nothing. Nothing more than the memory of a mistake.

The floors squeaked under my shoes as I ambled down the aisles once again. My palms were sweating, and my fingers twitched – but without hesitation I lifted the bottle of vodka which had been singing to me since I had touched eyes on it.

"If only, if only," I whispered gently, walking back to the counter.

The floor was cold and dusty behind the cash register, but I sat down anyway. Directly below the picture of the river that still hung on the wall; hidden from the world.

I prayed to God that he'd look away when I opened the poison.

I begged him to tell my mom the same.

The tears of guilt and shame fell silently as I took the first swing.

And the second.

By the third I was burning from the inside out and by the fourth it masked my cries.

I didn't know how much I would have to drink. I just knew that it had to be enough to kill one of us.

Brushing the hair from my eyes, I buried my face in my hand, the bottle ghosting my lips. The smell was putrid, and I wanted to vomit. So, I drank again.

I didn't look up when the bell above the door rang out. I truly didn't care. The police could have been standing over me, or Gildarts. A small part of me wished it was my mother coming to take me home.

"Lucy?"

But it wasn't the police.

"Are you ok?"

Or Gildarts.

Skidding to a stop next to me, Cana gently lifted my face to look at her. Her eyes were big, beautiful and scared as she pried the bottle from my hand.

"What are you doing?" She demanded with wonderment. "What have you done?"

My smile was watery, and my shoulders slumped. Tired of the weight. Tired of the pain. Dragging me down to the pits where I wanted to lie.

She was with a boy. One I had never seen before, but who seemed to know her well. He stared at me, his eyes wide and jaw slack, a hint of something in his watchful gaze. But I paid him no attention. He was trivial at this point. Nothing more than a body. A pulse which meant nothing to me. As cruel as it sounded, I truly didn't care about his presence or existence.

"Cana," I said, choking on my words, the ache crawling up my chest like a burning inferno. "I. . .hurt. . . _so much_."

I clutched at the pain, my breaths coming out ragged. They were looking for an escape. An agonizing war cry just so they'd be known.

"It's ok, Luce," she cooed, pulling me in for a hug. "It'll be ok."

I didn't hug her back. I couldn't unravel from the knot I had tied myself in.

But it was okay.

We just sat in the stillness, and the boy just stood there; a faceless, shapeless witness to my emptiness. I didn't want him to speak. I didn't want him to look. But I didn't care enough about him to tell him to leave, and to Cana, he was just another boy with no great deal of importance. Nothing more than a companion for the night. So, he stayed.

"Are you ok?" And he spoke, defiling our silence. "Do you want me to get you anything?"

I didn't want his kindness, so I shook my head.

"A glass of water?" He pried.

"I'm okay." I rasped.

There was a pause as he looked at Cana, that hint of something from earlier shining fiercely, the corners of his lips curling up ever so slightly.

"I could call your boyfriend for you," he suggested, the subtlety of his smugness unnerving.

I didn't try to hide my glare, Cana casting her own looks of annoyance towards him.

"I don't have a boyfriend," I sighed through gritted teeth.

"But. . ." he smirked, pointing at me, a fire burning in Cana's eyes as she dared him to continue. "Aren't you the girl from the video?"

I didn't know what he was talking about. I wasn't convinced I wanted to either. The hint – the amusement – in his eyes blazed, and I could see that right from the beginning he had been bursting at the seams, waiting for a chance to call me out on whatever he felt he had against me. To spill forth the horde of secrets that gave him the meaning and purpose he craved. The ones that would validate his very being. But like the fool I was, I needed to hear him confess. I needed to know what awful treacherous things he had witnessed at my hand.

"What video?"

Anger emanating from her, Cana sat up. "Luce just forget it. It's nothing but a rumour," turning she glared at the boy. "You, get the fuck out of my store and never speak to me again."

"What!?" He looked confused. "What the fuck Cana? It was a joke! We were going to bone, and I just thought she might have wanted to join in is all."

"Just fucking leave!"

Her cry was shrill, and her breathing was heavy, but without arguing the boy left, his ears pink from embarrassment. As the bell above the door called out, I slowly stood. My knees were shaking, and my heart was racing, and I knew that whatever this video was, it wasn't me. It wasn't who I was or who I wanted to be.

"Cana," I began softly. "What was that about?"

She couldn't look me in the eye. Instead, she tucked her hair behind her ear and bent down to pick up the bottle of vodka.

"It was nothing Luce," she tried to smile. "Nothing you need to worry about."

"Cana, please don't lie to me," I pleaded softly, a silent tear escaping. "What was he talking about? What video?"

Finally looking up at me, her smile fell.

"Remember we went to that party a few weeks ago? That guy you know – Natsu – the one he invited us to," I did remember, and my stomach churned. "Well, there's a rumour going around, Luce, about a video . . . a video of you _and_ Natsu. Apparently, you got really drunk and were making out with him on a couch in a room full of people, or something . . . P-people are saying that you guys were doing more than 'just kissing' and that his hands were up your dress, and . . . in . . . in your underwear, and that he was . . . Luce, I swear to you, I've not seen it, and everyone I've spoken to hasn't either, but . . . but they're all talking about it, and I didn't want to tell you because it sounds like total bullshit, and I _told_ that guy it was bullshit . . .Luce?"

My knees went weak, and I wanted to be sick.

"I don't think the video is real, Luce," Cana carried on. "If it was, I would have seen it . . . I'm sorry I didn't tell you, but don't . . . don't worry about it, ok? It'll be old news in no time."

I scoffed, silent tears making no effort to hide.

"Cana," my voice sounded strangled, as I gripped onto the counter. "There may or may not be a pornographic video of me circulating around town and you're telling me not to worry? I can't remember _what_ we did on that couch! I _was_ really drunk! What if that did happen? I don't know!"

Pulling me away from the counter, Cana took my face in her hands, forcing me to look into her glassy eyes. I don't think I had ever seen her cry before.

But there she was, and there were her tears spilling forth.

For me.

"Lucy, think about this logically, ok?" She tried to reassure, her voice breaking. "This is _you_ we are talking about, ok? You would never in a million years get yourself into a situation like that. Ok? You are not that type of girl. _I_ am that type of girl. You're Lucy Heartfilia . . . You're too good."

I knew that Cana was only trying to help. I knew she was trying to dismiss the rumour of the video as nothing more than fabricated nonsense designed to hurt. But after everything, those words were a constant reminder of the pedestal that I had fallen from.

"I'm too good?" I asked, my voice quivering. ". . . Cana, I'm pregnant."

Silence.

Eyes wide.

Mouth open.

Realisation.

"Am I too good now?"

Stepping out from her grip, I took the stores keys from my pocket and sat them on the counter.

I didn't say goodbye.

I didn't turn back when she called my name.

I just took one glance at the picture of that river and left.

 **. . . . . .**

It didn't matter how many times I had stepped foot in my house since my mom had died. It always felt cold. Empty. I knew it would never be the same. One heartbeat missing amongst the flock. It looked beautiful from the outside. The perfect family home with its white picket fence and tall blossom tree standing guard. A golden sandstone box of memories that the world looked upon as perfection.

Only the walls knew of the horror.

The death and destruction.

The staircase which once led to happiness was now build on bloodshed and tears.

I knew that when I stepped foot inside that house, I wasn't going to be coming out again, and I couldn't help but wonder if my mom had known the same.

I never thought I would feel fear when my decision had been made. But I was terrified. My heart was racing, and my breathing was ragged and all I wanted to do was stare at my life one final time before I left it behind entirely.

Just a little bit longer.

The petals of the cherry blossoms rained down – the irony of each one falling to the ground, to its end, was almost laugh worthy. But they were peaceful, and I could only hope that for me, it would be the same.

Head bowed; I knew it was time. My tears had run dry and my spirit was almost dead.

I looked at nothing but my feet as I headed inside, leaving my key in the door. I ignored Mavis as she greeted me, and Ashley as she asked if I had seen her purse. My father's callings landed on deaf ears and I paid no attention in taking my shoes off before stepping on the carpet. As planned, I just continued upstairs. I threw open my bedroom door and locked it back up before anyone could follow and with purpose, I headed straight for my bathroom.

The lights were dim, and the mirror was blemished. But I didn't need either of them.

I rolled up my sleeves.

I opened the medicine cabinet.

And the blades were sitting right at the front as if they had been waiting for my return.

I didn't take my clothes off when I stepped into the running shower. I didn't even take my phone from my pocket.

I sat on the floor and opened the box and the tiny piece of tarnished silver fell into the palm of my hand with ease.

My wrist was held out. My tears came back. The knocking on my bedroom door had started and all I could think of was if it would hurt.

I held the corner of the blade to my trembling wrist, the shower masking the frantic calls from outside my bedroom door. One swift stroke and it would be over. The water would wash away my sins, my pain and my very existence.

Just one.

The knocking on the door was getting louder. Banging. Thundering. A strangled cry crawled out from my chest. The corner of the blade was touching my wrist.

I needed the strength. I wanted to pray to God that he'd give it to me. That he'd take away my fear and just allow me to do it. But I couldn't find the words.

"C'mon," I growled through my tears and gritted teeth. "Just do it you coward."

I pressed it further into my flesh, but not enough to break the skin.

"Fucking finish it!"

I screamed.

Frustration.

I dropped the blade.

Defeated.

I heard the door to my bedroom burst open and I wailed. Sitting in the shower. Tears mixing with the rain. The failure I had become, I couldn't even end it.

Everyone was there.

Mavis ran to me as Ashley picked up the abandoned blade. Panic and disbelief danced in their eyes. They cried my name, my dad collapsing in a heap as he drowned in his own pain.

"What did you do!?" Mavis cried. "What did you do!?"

But I had done nothing. And that was the shame.

Without uttering a word, I stood, the shower still running. I pushed past Mavis. I broke free from Ashley's grip and jumped over my dad. I left them. Dripping wet, I ran. Down the stairs. Out the door and into the street.

And I just kept going.

Running as fast as I could. To the outskirts of Magnolia. To a little house isolated and alone.

I needed. . .

. . .Something.

Natsu didn't take long to answer his door. I couldn't remember knocking it, but I must have, or he wouldn't have been stood before me, a cigarette hanging from his mouth. He was shirtless, a towel around his neck, his hair damp.

"Luce?"

He dropped the towel.

I crashed into him.

"What's wrong?" He asked, flicking his cigarette out the door. "You're soaked."

I pushed him further into the house, kicking the door shut before bringing him down for a kiss.

It was heated.

Zealous.

Healing.

He didn't ask any more questions. Instead, we danced through his house. Two parts of one soul. Designed in that moment for no one else but each other. My kisses were frenzied, but he met each one gently. He brushed my hair from my face, and I did the same to his. I needed this. I needed _him_.

I needed to feel something other than everything.

We buried ourselves into the sea of blankets. Sweat, passion and lust enveloping us like a shroud. Stripped bare, taking our fill.

It was like fire.

We moved and became entangled, our foreheads pressed together. Our breathing ragged and harsh.

I would love him tonight.

And he would love me.

Scratches and bruises. Tossing and turning.

We went up, and up and up and up until we couldn't any further. Until we came crashing down into the sea. Until we fell. Until it was over.

And when it was, I closed my eyes.

And I cried, and he held me, wrapping the sea around me and whispering me the promises of life.

He brushed the hair from my face. He kissed me one more time, and he lay us down in the dim light. Never untangling. Never moving.

"What can I do, Luce?" He asked, a heaviness in his voice.

I held him. My nails sinking into his back.

"Can you," I began, my face buried into him. "Can you be my flicker of light between the trees?"

I broke and he held me closer, pressing a kiss to my forehead.

"Always. . .Always, Luce."  
 **. . . . . .**

 **A/N: Not going to lie guys, I had a proper breakdown last night discussing some of these topics. Part of the reason why this chapter took so long to write was because it was so real, and it was something I thought I had moved on from a long time ago.**

 **I think sometimes hurt, pain, and grief is like gold boiling over a fire. One by one, the impurities in gold rise to the top and are skimmed away. They keep rising until they're gone, but it can take a while, and when you think all the impurities are finally out, another one pops up out of nowhere needing to be tackled. These life issues can manifest in many ways and at inopportune moments. When they do show, we can't just ignore them. Like the gold, we need to skim them away. If we don't, we will never heal.**

 **I hope you liked this chapter guys. Please leave a review and let me know what you thought.**

 **And on a side note, I must remind everyone that if anyone has ever videoed or taken your photo without your permission, whether what you may be doing in that video/picture is consensual or not, it is NOT ok.**

 **I am here.**

 **Don't give up.**

 **YOU ARE SPECIAL.**


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